i wish i had all the time in the world to update you on life...
just know that it's a crazy time of the year for us and yes, we're still in the throes of housing negotiations. even this morning, the cross country conversations continued and we placed one foot in front of the other and continue to trust (or try to) that God is teaching patience, humility and even lovingkindness in every moment along this path.....
but i feel compelled to discuss something else....
there are SO many people hurting....in my life.
ever have those seasons in life where, sure....you're not on a completely peaceful mountaintop, but if you were, you'd still feel distraction from it because of the weight of the burdens you watch others around you bear.
i'm talking cancer.
i'm talking infertility.
i'm talking unemployment.
i'm talking chronic pain.
i'm talking marital discourse.
i'm talking loss of loved ones.
i'm talking VALLEYS, people. real true valleys.
and though i ache for these people, i still have to thank God for vulnerability in life and for really pushing fellow Christians to be transparent and honest. how on earth does the world deal with such tragedies without the fellowship of those who have encouragement that can REALLY mean anything....
in the midst of all this heaviness, i had to do my reading this morning, in preparation for tonight's bible study. we're going through a series of sermons on each book of the Old Testament. i have to admit i wasnt thrilled when i joined the bible study, knowing i'd be spending an eternity in the old testament, but can't really find the words to express how much it's blessed me. TRULY blessed me.
this week's reading:
The Message of Lamentations: Justice Up Close, How To Deal With Suffering
wow.
i have to admit i never knew the depths of what Isaiah, Jeremiah, and Lamentations were about and never really felt like i was missing out. i'll spare you the teaching lesson and just encourage you to GET THIS BOOK!
at any rate, i cracked it open this morning and felt that so MANY of the words used were mine.
the pain, the terror, the unknown....and the wondering, "how long, O Lord....how long."
Moments of suffering and loss often mark the great turning points in history generally, and in our lives particularly.
Humility is a by-product of suffering: and the only alternative to being humbled by God's Word through suffering, is to be humbled by his wrath...
i never knew this...but Judah suffered SO GREATLY in Lamentations because of what Jeremiah predicted would happen in the previous book of Jeremiah. Judah was SO incredibly sinful and so rebellious that the prophet Jeremiah was sent to warn them of impending judgement. their sin angered the Lord beyond their knowledge, yet, they did not care....
enter Lamentations.
Jeremiah is now witness to Israel's final demise.
His judgement fell so tremendously upon them, most of them perished by starvation or the sword. the seige had taken such a terrible toll, the Israelites we're told ....were ignored by God. their peace and plenty and been replaced by war and want....
and what were they called to do?
to still hope in God.
it all comes down to faith that He is SO JUST, that despite punishment for sin even....all action is handed down to us because of love. God was angry and God had to do what transpired, but each moment transpired out of pure love....to purify His people.
how can we hope in situations like that?
far be it from the truth that we are suffering all the time because of sin....
i'm just using this one example.
even in this EXTREME situation where death WAS deserved and punishment WAS severe....Jeremiah urged the people to have HOPE.
(sidenote: some people like to present God as a formless ocean of love, engulfing our every part. but the Bible NOWHERE presents God's love so amorphously. God has revealed himself in the book of Jeremiah and elsewhere as a personal God who is holy and who cares. we cannot demand that such a holy and loving God be so UNcritical of people like us. in his love, he will NOT leave us as the broken, wounded, wrongheaded, self-defeating, and fallen people that we were when he found us. he will love us in an EFFECTIVE and sometimes painful manner in Christ and make us better....ultimately, make us perfect in Christ.)
so if that is the case, ....how much MORE SO for us who simply suffer out of the result of a fallen world and broken dreams and disheveled lives, even when our own personal sin plays no role in our suffering?
it does seem a strange sort of love, to provoke 45 chapters of DAMNATION forecasted in Jeremiah....and then DAMNATION realized in Lamentations, but it is clearly love.
besides, what kind of love is it that admits no possibility of correction?
all to say, reading this morning displayed a sort of suffering that was catastrophic...and yet....there was a call for hope. we are called to hope.
not to hope in our situation.
not to hope in specifically answered prayers.
most of Judah vanished....were slaughtered....the remnants were scattered forever.
but we have to hold on to the hope in His character......
if we must accept that painful measures must be used to attain perfect outcomes...we should think first of Christ who suffered ultimately. LOVE isnt always pretty or always the way of ease....but His character is trustworthy, shown supremely through the cross.
there are so many questions that rise in my mind....
things i'll never reconcile on earth.
injustices that are simply too great to swallow....and mildly accept as "God's will."
but i think the point is -- that's ok.
His character is trustworthy beyond it all, and THAT is the only thing i should hold on to.
i was incredibly convicted as i read this next passage because it PERFECTLY eludes to my previous post. i felt as though it were written for me:
"If you are convinced that you must understand a particular trial perfectly well before you are willing to trust in God, I will tell you now that you will fail. At some point, if you haven't already, you will experience a trial that exceeds your ability to find an explanation. Complete explanations, finally, are God's business. But if you know him for who he is and what he is like, then you will be able to trust his character and all of his promises IN CHRIST even in the trials you cannot understand...."
i could feel a lump in my throat as i read Chapter 3 of Lamentations, as Israel justly suffered so completely, Jeremiah wrote:
Yet this I call to mind and therefore have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions NEVER fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.....
For men are not cast off from the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
For his does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men......
The devotional ends with this paragraph:
When we get right down to it, there are two responses to suffering: denial of God's hand it it (self-righteousess and bitterness) OR discerning God's hand in it and trust that we are becoming more like Him.
Father, if we don't have the earthly wisdom to make sense of suffering, please give us heavenly wisdom. and if you still deny us heavenly wisdom, simply give us faith in your character. the character of the same One who came and died for me. teach me to trust in my only hope found in You........
***********************
most if not all taken from:
The Message of the Old Testament
Mark Dever
pgs. 614-632
Monday, February 11, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
The Tree
hi everybody!
as i dig myself out of the deepest of holes regarding photography, clients, bookings, editing.....i'll update you a little bit if i can! my computer is processing some images while i talk....so it gives me time to feel like i'm working, when really i'm not :)
i'm sorry for SUCH a lapse between posts!
january has been exciting, terrifying, relaxing, busy, and warp speed.
i dont really remember where i left off when i blogged last, but i'm sure it was coming up on my in-law's trip to DC! chad's parents came and spent almost a week with us and really assisted in our HOUSE SEARCH! we probably had appts with every home for sale in the DC/VA area!!! i slept for 24 hours after they left!! and fortunately, they helped us PICK ONE!
with that said, it's been crazy trying to figure out the market, the bank's mortgage rates, our timeline....and when we wanted to make an offer. essentially -- we're faxing in our offer THIS AFTERNOON!!! so it's been a little hectic and non-stop!!
it's also been HELL ON EARTH at the dentist.
and it's really far too long and in depth to discuss why...but just know...it's left me pretty frustrated and pretty angry...and pretty READY FOR IT TO BE OVER!
today, my appt included "filing" my molars down to correct my imbalanced bite.
WITHOUT NOVACAINE.
it took an hour and i was virtually in tears by the time he was done....
the dentist and i exchanged some headed words....
and then he charged me $800....even though i wish all my dental bills were only $800.
i just wasn't expecting it this morning.
NEVER IN MY LIFE DO I WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN.
i'd rather have ROOT CANALS with NOVACAINE than filing my teeth with NOTHING.....
holy CRAPPOLA.....
it's left me in a pretty foul mood today.
so that's the status of the PRACTICAL points of my life.
i HONESTLY feel like christmas was still only a few days ago....but no. it's about to february.
INSANE!
as for how i'm doing emotionally....this month has been a stretch for me.
i simply don't and never will know the future. stop laughing. this has been pretty deep for me.
WHY does that have to be so hard for me. you'd think by the time i'm 28, i'd have accepted it. even found a way to be thankful for it....but no....the unknown steals my joy and robs me completely of my faith....
last week at bible study....a friend mentioned that "our need for knowledge" is traced all the way back to Eve. the Tree of Knowledge. that blew me away.
she couldn't just be happy enough KNOWING and BELIEVING that God was her protector and provider, she needed to be MORE informed than God had allowed.
"there's stuff i still don't know.....how can i NOT know......KNOWING won't hurt me.....it will actually MAKE ME SMARTER.....so i will eat of the tree...."
i'm learning (what's new) that....persisting that i KNOW the outcome before celebrating in Him....is sin. the demand for knowledge is wrong...and the fact that i'll never attain it all is simply undeniable.
i don't know where my photography biz is going....and i don't know what's gonna happen with this house....there are no guarantees exactly on when my family will expand....i don't know ANYTHING about tomorrow. i can't. i never will. the "what ifs" are so consuming and debilitating at times.....the financial what if's.....the employment what if's.....the LIFE WHAT IF's.....
i got choked up last night in church...as we sang this one specific song....and i can't even remember exactly why. but the gist was -- one day none of these things will matter.
none of them.
it seems at times, inconceivable, that...all the weight of this world that we take on....will be lifted. it just seemed so real last night...a reminder that our pain, be it: physical, emotional, spiritual...will all be done away with for eternity. i feel like last night, was the first time i really YEARNED for that divine relief.
we will no longer be weighed down by our prayers for saving grace.
we will no longer be distracted by our deep desires, perplexed by our earthly situations, tethered to our human need for more...
can you even imagine?
not only will there be complete ABSENCE of "what ifs....how can i....i don't know....God help me...i can't do this...."
but there will be eternal abundance of all things FULFILLING and complete and perfect.
that's my inheritance.
that's my future.
Lord help me to RELEASE the habit of holding my breath UNTIL it's safe. help me release the need to understand the mysterious equations of life. help me KNOW that your ways are perfect and your grace is enough for the 'unknown' scenarios that haunt my mind. and remind me, if those haunting scenarios -- though many are figments of my fallen imagination -- ever do come to fruition, they'll do so, under your watch in the palm of your hand.....
....help me to exhale.....
****************************
Hark, I hear the harps eternal,
ringing on the farther shore,
as I near those swollen waters,
with their deep and solemn roar.
And my soul, stained with sorrow,
fading as the light of day,
passes swiftly o'er those waters,
to that city far away.
Some have crossed before us safely,
to that land of perfect rest.
Can you hear them singing faintly
in the mansions of the blessed?
Mighty Jesus, bear us over,
there to kneel before Thy throne.
May we join Thy saints forever,
praising Thee, and Thee alone.
Hallelujah, Hallalujah
Hallelujah, Praise the Lamb.
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Glory to the great I AM.
as i dig myself out of the deepest of holes regarding photography, clients, bookings, editing.....i'll update you a little bit if i can! my computer is processing some images while i talk....so it gives me time to feel like i'm working, when really i'm not :)
i'm sorry for SUCH a lapse between posts!
january has been exciting, terrifying, relaxing, busy, and warp speed.
i dont really remember where i left off when i blogged last, but i'm sure it was coming up on my in-law's trip to DC! chad's parents came and spent almost a week with us and really assisted in our HOUSE SEARCH! we probably had appts with every home for sale in the DC/VA area!!! i slept for 24 hours after they left!! and fortunately, they helped us PICK ONE!
with that said, it's been crazy trying to figure out the market, the bank's mortgage rates, our timeline....and when we wanted to make an offer. essentially -- we're faxing in our offer THIS AFTERNOON!!! so it's been a little hectic and non-stop!!
it's also been HELL ON EARTH at the dentist.
and it's really far too long and in depth to discuss why...but just know...it's left me pretty frustrated and pretty angry...and pretty READY FOR IT TO BE OVER!
today, my appt included "filing" my molars down to correct my imbalanced bite.
WITHOUT NOVACAINE.
it took an hour and i was virtually in tears by the time he was done....
the dentist and i exchanged some headed words....
and then he charged me $800....even though i wish all my dental bills were only $800.
i just wasn't expecting it this morning.
NEVER IN MY LIFE DO I WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN.
i'd rather have ROOT CANALS with NOVACAINE than filing my teeth with NOTHING.....
holy CRAPPOLA.....
it's left me in a pretty foul mood today.
so that's the status of the PRACTICAL points of my life.
i HONESTLY feel like christmas was still only a few days ago....but no. it's about to february.
INSANE!
as for how i'm doing emotionally....this month has been a stretch for me.
i simply don't and never will know the future. stop laughing. this has been pretty deep for me.
WHY does that have to be so hard for me. you'd think by the time i'm 28, i'd have accepted it. even found a way to be thankful for it....but no....the unknown steals my joy and robs me completely of my faith....
last week at bible study....a friend mentioned that "our need for knowledge" is traced all the way back to Eve. the Tree of Knowledge. that blew me away.
she couldn't just be happy enough KNOWING and BELIEVING that God was her protector and provider, she needed to be MORE informed than God had allowed.
"there's stuff i still don't know.....how can i NOT know......KNOWING won't hurt me.....it will actually MAKE ME SMARTER.....so i will eat of the tree...."
i'm learning (what's new) that....persisting that i KNOW the outcome before celebrating in Him....is sin. the demand for knowledge is wrong...and the fact that i'll never attain it all is simply undeniable.
i don't know where my photography biz is going....and i don't know what's gonna happen with this house....there are no guarantees exactly on when my family will expand....i don't know ANYTHING about tomorrow. i can't. i never will. the "what ifs" are so consuming and debilitating at times.....the financial what if's.....the employment what if's.....the LIFE WHAT IF's.....
i got choked up last night in church...as we sang this one specific song....and i can't even remember exactly why. but the gist was -- one day none of these things will matter.
none of them.
it seems at times, inconceivable, that...all the weight of this world that we take on....will be lifted. it just seemed so real last night...a reminder that our pain, be it: physical, emotional, spiritual...will all be done away with for eternity. i feel like last night, was the first time i really YEARNED for that divine relief.
we will no longer be weighed down by our prayers for saving grace.
we will no longer be distracted by our deep desires, perplexed by our earthly situations, tethered to our human need for more...
can you even imagine?
not only will there be complete ABSENCE of "what ifs....how can i....i don't know....God help me...i can't do this...."
but there will be eternal abundance of all things FULFILLING and complete and perfect.
that's my inheritance.
that's my future.
Lord help me to RELEASE the habit of holding my breath UNTIL it's safe. help me release the need to understand the mysterious equations of life. help me KNOW that your ways are perfect and your grace is enough for the 'unknown' scenarios that haunt my mind. and remind me, if those haunting scenarios -- though many are figments of my fallen imagination -- ever do come to fruition, they'll do so, under your watch in the palm of your hand.....
....help me to exhale.....
****************************
Hark, I hear the harps eternal,
ringing on the farther shore,
as I near those swollen waters,
with their deep and solemn roar.
And my soul, stained with sorrow,
fading as the light of day,
passes swiftly o'er those waters,
to that city far away.
Some have crossed before us safely,
to that land of perfect rest.
Can you hear them singing faintly
in the mansions of the blessed?
Mighty Jesus, bear us over,
there to kneel before Thy throne.
May we join Thy saints forever,
praising Thee, and Thee alone.
Hallelujah, Hallalujah
Hallelujah, Praise the Lamb.
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Glory to the great I AM.
Monday, January 14, 2008
january HALF OVER??
wow.
that's SO WEIRD.....
it's january 14th, fyi.
just sayin'....
i'm going to try to keep my posts a little lighter for a while....i feel like i do my soul-searching through blogging and that's probably not alot of fun to read EVERY SINGLE DAY.
but before i move on -- i have to thank each of you who pray for me.
i've gotten emails...messages...texts....calls....in response to some of my posts, and to have you praying is the best gift i could be given. your greatest efforts toward me are by way of prayer and it's invaluable to know that i'm being lifted up by those close by and those across the country!!!
for those of you who do not know this....
my in-laws are coming to VISIT US this wednesday through sunday!!! they're coming to meet with our agent and to see a bunch of houses we have lined up for them. we're definitely trying to make progress in this entire hunt and would ssssseriously like to settle into a home sooner rather than later. but hey....we've been saying that since LAST DECEMBER, so who knows.
this past weekend was really relaxing! i got NOTHING done i had planned, but sometimes, that's for the best! i went on saturday with lanier and parker to this photography safari which was REALLLLY impressive!!! i learned a bunch of crap i'm embarrassed to admit i never knew AND got to hang out with and have lunch with the girls! much needed and very relaxing!! that night puff and i went to borders and CPK for a cheap lil' date night.....
and of course sunday was jammed with seminars, church, and members meetings :)
but not it's time for me to crack a whip and CLEAN MY HOUSE, run to the grocery store....and finish up a few weddings!!! the good part is that when puff's away at meetings, and i'm home alone, i can blare my music and get rollin'....without any concerns of distracting him! and he won't be home till 5!!!
that's SO WEIRD.....
it's january 14th, fyi.
just sayin'....
i'm going to try to keep my posts a little lighter for a while....i feel like i do my soul-searching through blogging and that's probably not alot of fun to read EVERY SINGLE DAY.
but before i move on -- i have to thank each of you who pray for me.
i've gotten emails...messages...texts....calls....in response to some of my posts, and to have you praying is the best gift i could be given. your greatest efforts toward me are by way of prayer and it's invaluable to know that i'm being lifted up by those close by and those across the country!!!
for those of you who do not know this....
my in-laws are coming to VISIT US this wednesday through sunday!!! they're coming to meet with our agent and to see a bunch of houses we have lined up for them. we're definitely trying to make progress in this entire hunt and would ssssseriously like to settle into a home sooner rather than later. but hey....we've been saying that since LAST DECEMBER, so who knows.
this past weekend was really relaxing! i got NOTHING done i had planned, but sometimes, that's for the best! i went on saturday with lanier and parker to this photography safari which was REALLLLY impressive!!! i learned a bunch of crap i'm embarrassed to admit i never knew AND got to hang out with and have lunch with the girls! much needed and very relaxing!! that night puff and i went to borders and CPK for a cheap lil' date night.....
and of course sunday was jammed with seminars, church, and members meetings :)
but not it's time for me to crack a whip and CLEAN MY HOUSE, run to the grocery store....and finish up a few weddings!!! the good part is that when puff's away at meetings, and i'm home alone, i can blare my music and get rollin'....without any concerns of distracting him! and he won't be home till 5!!!
Friday, January 11, 2008
hmm.
i can't think of a title!
and truthfully, i've been so distracted lately, that i haven't been able to think of anything worthy of writing, as well.
ever have those moments?...
"...yeah...nothing worthy to say."
that's been me - to some extent.
i've really been dealing with new levels of anxiety and stress, and i'm working through it all.
i wasn't able to sleep last night.
well, i slept from 9-1am.
I KNOW -- i went to bed at 9pm.
i completely freak myself out sometimes!
i got a text from a dear friend at 1am that woke me up:
"i have been fasting and praying for you and chad..."
it almost brought tears to my sleepy eyes....
and then i couldn't go back to sleep because OF ALL THINGS...anxiety overcame me.
completely.
i tossed and turned, had one HORRIFIC nightmare, and proceeded to get up around 3am-ish.
i feel really frustrated with myself.
my doubt.
my anxiety.
my lack of reconciliation with a Gospel of Peace.
how is it that i have not been able to fully apply Truth in my life, enough so, that i can sleep peacefully through a night. i shackle myself, while holding the Key.
yet i keep locking myself back in the chains of fear.
rampant fear. unexplained fear.
Lord, FREE ME from this...
it's clearly my weakness of all weaknesses.
i'm also weirdly struggling with finding true joy in gifts vs. the Giver.
He is obviously the giver of all good things....
good things for us to enjoy.
good things worthy of our desperate prayer, at times....
He answers sometimes by giving us what we want, yet....i find often that the gift transcends the Giver, who is quickly discarded in light of what i would now have.
a replacement of sorts.
this is such a disjointed post.
maybe i should delete it.
i think i wake up (that is, when i actually sleep) to a reality that becomes clearer with each new dawn that -- nothing this world can give me and nothing i can create on my own is ever really mine.
it's simply a translation of His love for me.
if i receive good gifts....they've been injected in my life b/c of His great love.
if i lose good gifts....His love stands just as strong. regardless.
gifts don't REPLACE or WITHHOLD love.....
so my wanting, having, or lacking has no bearing on His everlasting love for me....
Ps 42:8
By day the Lord commands his steadfast love and at night a song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life....
so with ALL of that in mind....
how does the gift still seem exceptionally more desirable than the Giver.
the Giver of all.
it's humiliating how shallow my faith really is.
if i BELIEVED it...i would live by it.
and if i DO believe it in my deepest soul....
then why am i up writing this in the early morning.
where, LORD, where is the disconnect.
why does anxiety reign on the throne of my heart.
Romans 8:6
To set your mind on the Spirit is peace and life...
Can human trials and continual peace CO-exist?
if so - how.
to what end exactly is God glorified by watching me constantly die -- being crushed by desires or irrational fears and accepting submission simply by a mental process of elimination....or as though i've drawn the shortest straw.
conversely, would i have joy inside the safety of my own personal control?
i would feel better taking matters in life into my own hands - to face my own destiny?
obviously not.
so then, Father, what is wrong with me?
where is the Peace that flows forever like a river...
i think, or so i'm led in my thoughts to ask:
"ultimately -- how badly do i want Your good?"
if in fact all things work together for my good -- why is that not my highest aim? goal? aspiration?
how do i always find myself in a place where my desires, fears, anxieties even contend with His good?
they cannot.
yet, they do.
Lord, forgive me.
application is always a deliberate act of your will.
left to our fallen senses -- we'd never instinctively apply any of the Word.
He even tells us -- it's not hope, if we can see what we hope in.
it's hope because we cannot see.
it's faith because we do not know.
it's trust because He does not lie.
to pray for anything so fiercely, as though your life depended on the receiving of the gift, would mean you desire something as though your life depended on it...
...and what on earth can possibly hang our life in the balance?
...nothing.
Romans 8: 37, 38
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
maybe therein lies the fault in my thought process.
i read this morning that in the Baptist Catechism, it states:
Q: What things are chiefly contained in the holy scriptures?
A: The holy scriptures chiefly contain what man out to believe concerning God.....
wow.
how many OTHER things have i attributed to God that aren't found in the Bible.
that He owes me?
that I deserve anything?
that I am worthy?
that life is fair?
that if He loved me, He'd....
the ONLY things we should attribute to Christ are what we can find in black and white in the Scriptures.
it initially seems confining, but....glorious.
otherworldly glorious....not always "MYWORLD" glorious.
He gives...
He takes away...
and though we take great joy in all the great gifts He gives....it never defines His ultimate love for me.
nor should His withholding ever detract from His great love, either.
my prayer is that i would DAILY learn to delight in His VAST love for me characterized by His son on the cross.
i'm such a failure at it....
and it grows more irritating to me all the time....
i am so disappointed in myself.
it's all so easy to think...to write...to say...
but i am thankful i even so much as think it....or desire it....though i have not attained the extent of it.
that alone is such a good gift from Him, because on my own, it's clear where my devices would lead me....
i can't think of a title!
and truthfully, i've been so distracted lately, that i haven't been able to think of anything worthy of writing, as well.
ever have those moments?...
"...yeah...nothing worthy to say."
that's been me - to some extent.
i've really been dealing with new levels of anxiety and stress, and i'm working through it all.
i wasn't able to sleep last night.
well, i slept from 9-1am.
I KNOW -- i went to bed at 9pm.
i completely freak myself out sometimes!
i got a text from a dear friend at 1am that woke me up:
"i have been fasting and praying for you and chad..."
it almost brought tears to my sleepy eyes....
and then i couldn't go back to sleep because OF ALL THINGS...anxiety overcame me.
completely.
i tossed and turned, had one HORRIFIC nightmare, and proceeded to get up around 3am-ish.
i feel really frustrated with myself.
my doubt.
my anxiety.
my lack of reconciliation with a Gospel of Peace.
how is it that i have not been able to fully apply Truth in my life, enough so, that i can sleep peacefully through a night. i shackle myself, while holding the Key.
yet i keep locking myself back in the chains of fear.
rampant fear. unexplained fear.
Lord, FREE ME from this...
it's clearly my weakness of all weaknesses.
i'm also weirdly struggling with finding true joy in gifts vs. the Giver.
He is obviously the giver of all good things....
good things for us to enjoy.
good things worthy of our desperate prayer, at times....
He answers sometimes by giving us what we want, yet....i find often that the gift transcends the Giver, who is quickly discarded in light of what i would now have.
a replacement of sorts.
this is such a disjointed post.
maybe i should delete it.
i think i wake up (that is, when i actually sleep) to a reality that becomes clearer with each new dawn that -- nothing this world can give me and nothing i can create on my own is ever really mine.
it's simply a translation of His love for me.
if i receive good gifts....they've been injected in my life b/c of His great love.
if i lose good gifts....His love stands just as strong. regardless.
gifts don't REPLACE or WITHHOLD love.....
so my wanting, having, or lacking has no bearing on His everlasting love for me....
Ps 42:8
By day the Lord commands his steadfast love and at night a song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life....
so with ALL of that in mind....
how does the gift still seem exceptionally more desirable than the Giver.
the Giver of all.
it's humiliating how shallow my faith really is.
if i BELIEVED it...i would live by it.
and if i DO believe it in my deepest soul....
then why am i up writing this in the early morning.
where, LORD, where is the disconnect.
why does anxiety reign on the throne of my heart.
Romans 8:6
To set your mind on the Spirit is peace and life...
Can human trials and continual peace CO-exist?
if so - how.
to what end exactly is God glorified by watching me constantly die -- being crushed by desires or irrational fears and accepting submission simply by a mental process of elimination....or as though i've drawn the shortest straw.
conversely, would i have joy inside the safety of my own personal control?
i would feel better taking matters in life into my own hands - to face my own destiny?
obviously not.
so then, Father, what is wrong with me?
where is the Peace that flows forever like a river...
i think, or so i'm led in my thoughts to ask:
"ultimately -- how badly do i want Your good?"
if in fact all things work together for my good -- why is that not my highest aim? goal? aspiration?
how do i always find myself in a place where my desires, fears, anxieties even contend with His good?
they cannot.
yet, they do.
Lord, forgive me.
application is always a deliberate act of your will.
left to our fallen senses -- we'd never instinctively apply any of the Word.
He even tells us -- it's not hope, if we can see what we hope in.
it's hope because we cannot see.
it's faith because we do not know.
it's trust because He does not lie.
to pray for anything so fiercely, as though your life depended on the receiving of the gift, would mean you desire something as though your life depended on it...
...and what on earth can possibly hang our life in the balance?
...nothing.
Romans 8: 37, 38
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
maybe therein lies the fault in my thought process.
i read this morning that in the Baptist Catechism, it states:
Q: What things are chiefly contained in the holy scriptures?
A: The holy scriptures chiefly contain what man out to believe concerning God.....
wow.
how many OTHER things have i attributed to God that aren't found in the Bible.
that He owes me?
that I deserve anything?
that I am worthy?
that life is fair?
that if He loved me, He'd....
the ONLY things we should attribute to Christ are what we can find in black and white in the Scriptures.
it initially seems confining, but....glorious.
otherworldly glorious....not always "MYWORLD" glorious.
He gives...
He takes away...
and though we take great joy in all the great gifts He gives....it never defines His ultimate love for me.
nor should His withholding ever detract from His great love, either.
my prayer is that i would DAILY learn to delight in His VAST love for me characterized by His son on the cross.
i'm such a failure at it....
and it grows more irritating to me all the time....
i am so disappointed in myself.
it's all so easy to think...to write...to say...
but i am thankful i even so much as think it....or desire it....though i have not attained the extent of it.
that alone is such a good gift from Him, because on my own, it's clear where my devices would lead me....
Friday, January 4, 2008
happy new year!
i guess it's time to pick up where i left off!!
it's 2008 - insane.
more insane?
it's JANUARY.
in some respects this past year FLEW...in other respects, it was never ending.
regardless, it's still weird to pay my bills (all of which were LATE this month) and put january AND '08 on my checks...
wow.
also weird?
it doesn't NOT feel like friday either.
what world am i living in?
ever since the holidays, my days have ALL been wacked out and my brain can't seem to get the calendar straight!
we don't have much on the docket for today, other than the fact that puff and i will be seeing a movie at 7pm. i've really been excited to see that movie, "atonement." mainly b/c it's been nominated for so much stuff. i'll keep you posted :)
in OTHER news, on new years eve, rudy-baby-bear, my pup, was mauled.
i feel like i'm still reeling from it all...
apparently my neighbor's dog took rudy's rawhide bone from him and rudy wasn't happy about it...and they got in a BRAWL right in front of me!!!
my neighbor pulled them apart, but not before getting her finger shredded (we wonder if it's broken now), with blood on the walls...on my hands...and pouring off my puppy's face.
neighbor's dog sliced rudy's eyelid, and punctured his face in 4 spots, ONE OF WHICH i couldn't even LOOK AT for fear of vomiting. deep wound. should have taken him for stitches BUT it was new years eve....and everybody told me to hold off.
it was pitiful.
NOT a good way for rucifer to ring in the new year...poor baby.
speaking of new years...puffy and i went to visit that friend on new years day, who had delivered her baby on Christmas morning.
i had been pretty bummed out all day about doing it...thinking it would be my day pretty destroyed. puff tried to hype me up all the way there...and we walked in...and the baby was precious. SO SMALL!!! they were so gracious and excited we were there and it was fun recounting the events leading up to delivery with her.
they all look amazing and are having alot of fun...
and i did leave slightly bummed out.
but really too tired to care all that much about my pity party, with me wondering how the holidays had kicked my rear so hard core....
it's just a relief that i did it....without crying. with a smile, even....
whew.
well, i have a wedding tomorrow and i need to send the details to my second shooter and gear up!!!
happy new year everybody!!!
Psalms 18:1, 19
I love you, Lord, my strength
...He rescued me, because He delighted in me.
Psalms 20:4, 5
May He grant you your heart's desire
and fulfill all your plans.
...may the Lord fulfill all of your petitions.
it's 2008 - insane.
more insane?
it's JANUARY.
in some respects this past year FLEW...in other respects, it was never ending.
regardless, it's still weird to pay my bills (all of which were LATE this month) and put january AND '08 on my checks...
wow.
also weird?
it doesn't NOT feel like friday either.
what world am i living in?
ever since the holidays, my days have ALL been wacked out and my brain can't seem to get the calendar straight!
we don't have much on the docket for today, other than the fact that puff and i will be seeing a movie at 7pm. i've really been excited to see that movie, "atonement." mainly b/c it's been nominated for so much stuff. i'll keep you posted :)
in OTHER news, on new years eve, rudy-baby-bear, my pup, was mauled.
i feel like i'm still reeling from it all...
apparently my neighbor's dog took rudy's rawhide bone from him and rudy wasn't happy about it...and they got in a BRAWL right in front of me!!!
my neighbor pulled them apart, but not before getting her finger shredded (we wonder if it's broken now), with blood on the walls...on my hands...and pouring off my puppy's face.
neighbor's dog sliced rudy's eyelid, and punctured his face in 4 spots, ONE OF WHICH i couldn't even LOOK AT for fear of vomiting. deep wound. should have taken him for stitches BUT it was new years eve....and everybody told me to hold off.
it was pitiful.
NOT a good way for rucifer to ring in the new year...poor baby.
speaking of new years...puffy and i went to visit that friend on new years day, who had delivered her baby on Christmas morning.
i had been pretty bummed out all day about doing it...thinking it would be my day pretty destroyed. puff tried to hype me up all the way there...and we walked in...and the baby was precious. SO SMALL!!! they were so gracious and excited we were there and it was fun recounting the events leading up to delivery with her.
they all look amazing and are having alot of fun...
and i did leave slightly bummed out.
but really too tired to care all that much about my pity party, with me wondering how the holidays had kicked my rear so hard core....
it's just a relief that i did it....without crying. with a smile, even....
whew.
well, i have a wedding tomorrow and i need to send the details to my second shooter and gear up!!!
happy new year everybody!!!
Psalms 18:1, 19
I love you, Lord, my strength
...He rescued me, because He delighted in me.
Psalms 20:4, 5
May He grant you your heart's desire
and fulfill all your plans.
...may the Lord fulfill all of your petitions.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Day #365 of 365
the sun is setting on the last day of this year.
i am not sad to see this year go.
if i'm really honest with myself - this year has undeniably been defined by struggle.
internal.
external.
nonstop struggle.
my heart swells to think of all that this year was supposed to bring, yet....i'm facing a new year with most of the same wants i had 365 days ago.
a full circle....
a full year....
infinitely more jaded, all while....
waking up and realizing i'm not the same person i was a year ago.
jaded AND different.
who would have guessed.
is jaded the right word?
i almost just deleted and backspaced and started over.
i think i wasn't jaded. then i was jaded. and then i wasn't jaded again.
that's exactly what this entire year has been about....
i can say, i'd do anything to live the last 6 weeks all over again.
even though i would be hardpressed to face the first 46 weeks of this year.
fully aware that i am only able to enjoy all that i have, over the recent 6 weeks DUE TO the pain that i was asked to endure for those first 46 weeks of 2007.
all of this year, was a lesson.
all of it.
every moment, every step, every tear, every war within my heart.
this entire year was meant to lead up to the past 6 weeks.
we are born rebels.
with a cause.
the cause is ME.
as infants and toddlers, we're slowly broken each day of the ME. we kick, we scream, we have tantrums, but we evolve into children who are aware that ME doesn't get served first all the time.
by the time we're adults, it's no longer acceptable to throw down a hissy fit and pound on the floor as we protest that we should always get our way.
it doesn't mean our war doesn't rage within.....as real as ever.
that we haven't daily taken up our weapon to violently defend our rights.
as human beings.
as ME. for ME.
i sifted through my blog entries from this year.
many of you never read them...it was a private blog with a very VERY short list of readers.
it was tough to actually recall the pain as i endured it the first go around...
then to read that...i endured it again.
and again.
and bad news again.
entry from MAY:
i never wanted all of my energy to be turned inward. all of my ambitions to become about me ...and my pursuits. actually verbalizing some of my worst fears and dwelling on the nightmares that could become a reality only causes continual self-absorption for me. i've spiraled into this place of panic. i feel that i'm in a vortex and out of control.
ME suffered a massive blow this year.
the first 27 years of my life, were determined by me.
i've never waited for life to happen. to unfold.
i wasn't necessarily given the best set of playing cards when i set out to make my life what i desired for it to be.
but i overcame.
i created.
i dreamed.
i completed.
but each Christ follower (if you'd consider me that all along) has the day when they experience the depth and agony found during a crisis of faith. a crossroads. a decision.
will i hinge my devotion...on winning my way?
can i say thank you...while losing everything?
will i believe what i cannot feel?
will i surrender...
even though, only a fool would go on fighting a war
...when all of his weapons have been stripped of him.
it took 46 months for me to realize, surrender isn't really a choice.
take away my swords and shields and strength...
...and my options are pretty limited.
i had met my match.
to say i had lost control puts it too simply. it sounds so elementary.
but control is all i've ever had.
and so my loss is infinite. bottomless. consuming.
almost as deep as my loss of fertility.
...though at first glance, the two seemed intertwined. cyclical. inseparable.
my fight had become a cosmic battle of control.
the baby was secondary.
though the baby was the catalyst.
46 weeks of:
pills
shots
ultrasounds
blood drawings
sonograms
conference calls
dietary adjustments
suppliments
timed interourse
ovulation predictor kits.
pregnancy tests
ovulation watches
ovulation monitors
saliva strips
holistic practitioners
artificial insemination
....only to end up exactly...where i would be...had i never lifted a finger....
yes.
2007 was tumultuous. exhausting. and all vanity.
seeking to force the very thing that was never meant to be.
i will never forget it.
the death of ME.
the idea dawning upon me that there are just some things in life....you can't have.
ME had a rough ride processing those notions.
i don't know how...or why...or when it exactly occurred, but one death was exchanged for life in a new sense.
you can give devotion...even when the game is a shut out and you've lost.
you can say thank you...even though you've lost everything.
you can believe what you cannot feel.
and you can in a miraculous way, when you cannot even find the words to even express it, know when looking back across the plain of 2007, embrace that my life this year was no Plan B to God enthroned over all things.
this was His perfect will for my life -- these were His plans for me to prosper.
this was His divine way for caring for me.
this was His best interest for me.
the last 6 weeks have been an evolution of sorts...though surrender is humanly devastating...and crushing to the point of choosing death over it...we are all given perseverance in Christ Jesus.
we cannot manipulate or create a false encounter with Christ.
we each say we have experienced Christ....
but pain brings you to your knees in a way that nothing else can...
submission is wholly unappetizing. undesirable.
ME simply would never have chosen it, had there been any other way.
without fail, we humans attend immediately to our pain.
i think that goes for the entire human race.
as CS Lewis states it, "the created one's illusion of self-sufficiency must, for the Creator's sake, be shattered."
welcome 2007.
CS Lewis continues...
"And perhaps by God's grace, I succeed, and for a day become a creature dependent on God...but the moment the threat of pain is withdrawn, my entire nature leaps back to toys; I am even anxious, God forgive me, to banish from my mind the only thing that supported me under the threat because it is associated with the misery of those days of pain."
i am a captive audience to nobody....unless i'm in agony.
my questions regarding pain, the cause of pain, the purposes of pain, the initiator of pain, the executor of pain, the author of pain have only deepened this year. i have more questions than i have answers.
i've asked alot of questions i'd even be embarrassed to admit.
questions that again, seem so elementary, yet...more complex than previously thought possible with my simplistic notions of God and Faith and Will and....all that stuff you learn in Sunday School.
and so 2007 closes out...with ME more fully alert and desperate than i can ever remember being.
but my doubt has dissolved.
because i've finally learned to reach out and grasp all that He has wanted to give.
i may never have my own biological children.
i may never have alot of things i grew up dreaming of....
...and i'll inevitably cry a lifetime of tears as i possibly put to final rest some of deepest desires...regardless of what they are.
my threshold of pain was tested this year, and the windows to a world of deepening pain were opened and steep agony realized.
...i am now aware.
i am changed.
pain has more dimensions than i have senses to handle it.
and i hunger for heaven...a little bit more than i ever have.
i experience pain with eternity in my periphery...
and you realize that maybe the things of this world do grow strangely dim....
and that my soul's first love...is Him.
C.S Lewis continues:
"All that you are -- sins apart -- is destined, if you will let God have His good way, to utter satisfaction....
God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love.
Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for heaven alone -- made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand...."
i wasn't made for ME.
the brains of ME.
the heart of ME.
the desires of ME.
the world of ME.
those lessons are excruciating.
and if it weren't for 2007, i'd never have been able to say it. mean it. much less every stand to live it.
i am not giving off false holiness...
i am broken.
and even when you believe the fracture is so deep, you are fully, irreparably broken....
....you break even more.
and as you constantly attempt to separate earthly pain from God's infinite goodness, as though one is completely independant of the other....
you slowly realize that they are fettered together eternally.
and God is somehow good not only despite my pain but because of my pain....
i pulled out my journal this morning and at the top, as i do every morning, wrote the date.
December 31, 2007
day #365 of 365.
praise the LORD, i exhaled.
but the devotional led me to I Peter 5:10 --
And the God of all grace,
who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,
after you have suffered a little while,
will himself restore you
and make you strong,
firm and
steadfast.
....though we suffer....
He is all grace.
He is all glory.
....in a sense
....how can this not be acknowledged as the best year of my life....
i am not sad to see this year go.
if i'm really honest with myself - this year has undeniably been defined by struggle.
internal.
external.
nonstop struggle.
my heart swells to think of all that this year was supposed to bring, yet....i'm facing a new year with most of the same wants i had 365 days ago.
a full circle....
a full year....
infinitely more jaded, all while....
waking up and realizing i'm not the same person i was a year ago.
jaded AND different.
who would have guessed.
is jaded the right word?
i almost just deleted and backspaced and started over.
i think i wasn't jaded. then i was jaded. and then i wasn't jaded again.
that's exactly what this entire year has been about....
i can say, i'd do anything to live the last 6 weeks all over again.
even though i would be hardpressed to face the first 46 weeks of this year.
fully aware that i am only able to enjoy all that i have, over the recent 6 weeks DUE TO the pain that i was asked to endure for those first 46 weeks of 2007.
all of this year, was a lesson.
all of it.
every moment, every step, every tear, every war within my heart.
this entire year was meant to lead up to the past 6 weeks.
we are born rebels.
with a cause.
the cause is ME.
as infants and toddlers, we're slowly broken each day of the ME. we kick, we scream, we have tantrums, but we evolve into children who are aware that ME doesn't get served first all the time.
by the time we're adults, it's no longer acceptable to throw down a hissy fit and pound on the floor as we protest that we should always get our way.
it doesn't mean our war doesn't rage within.....as real as ever.
that we haven't daily taken up our weapon to violently defend our rights.
as human beings.
as ME. for ME.
i sifted through my blog entries from this year.
many of you never read them...it was a private blog with a very VERY short list of readers.
it was tough to actually recall the pain as i endured it the first go around...
then to read that...i endured it again.
and again.
and bad news again.
entry from MAY:
i never wanted all of my energy to be turned inward. all of my ambitions to become about me ...and my pursuits. actually verbalizing some of my worst fears and dwelling on the nightmares that could become a reality only causes continual self-absorption for me. i've spiraled into this place of panic. i feel that i'm in a vortex and out of control.
ME suffered a massive blow this year.
the first 27 years of my life, were determined by me.
i've never waited for life to happen. to unfold.
i wasn't necessarily given the best set of playing cards when i set out to make my life what i desired for it to be.
but i overcame.
i created.
i dreamed.
i completed.
but each Christ follower (if you'd consider me that all along) has the day when they experience the depth and agony found during a crisis of faith. a crossroads. a decision.
will i hinge my devotion...on winning my way?
can i say thank you...while losing everything?
will i believe what i cannot feel?
will i surrender...
even though, only a fool would go on fighting a war
...when all of his weapons have been stripped of him.
it took 46 months for me to realize, surrender isn't really a choice.
take away my swords and shields and strength...
...and my options are pretty limited.
i had met my match.
to say i had lost control puts it too simply. it sounds so elementary.
but control is all i've ever had.
and so my loss is infinite. bottomless. consuming.
almost as deep as my loss of fertility.
...though at first glance, the two seemed intertwined. cyclical. inseparable.
my fight had become a cosmic battle of control.
the baby was secondary.
though the baby was the catalyst.
46 weeks of:
pills
shots
ultrasounds
blood drawings
sonograms
conference calls
dietary adjustments
suppliments
timed interourse
ovulation predictor kits.
pregnancy tests
ovulation watches
ovulation monitors
saliva strips
holistic practitioners
artificial insemination
....only to end up exactly...where i would be...had i never lifted a finger....
yes.
2007 was tumultuous. exhausting. and all vanity.
seeking to force the very thing that was never meant to be.
i will never forget it.
the death of ME.
the idea dawning upon me that there are just some things in life....you can't have.
ME had a rough ride processing those notions.
i don't know how...or why...or when it exactly occurred, but one death was exchanged for life in a new sense.
you can give devotion...even when the game is a shut out and you've lost.
you can say thank you...even though you've lost everything.
you can believe what you cannot feel.
and you can in a miraculous way, when you cannot even find the words to even express it, know when looking back across the plain of 2007, embrace that my life this year was no Plan B to God enthroned over all things.
this was His perfect will for my life -- these were His plans for me to prosper.
this was His divine way for caring for me.
this was His best interest for me.
the last 6 weeks have been an evolution of sorts...though surrender is humanly devastating...and crushing to the point of choosing death over it...we are all given perseverance in Christ Jesus.
we cannot manipulate or create a false encounter with Christ.
we each say we have experienced Christ....
but pain brings you to your knees in a way that nothing else can...
submission is wholly unappetizing. undesirable.
ME simply would never have chosen it, had there been any other way.
without fail, we humans attend immediately to our pain.
i think that goes for the entire human race.
as CS Lewis states it, "the created one's illusion of self-sufficiency must, for the Creator's sake, be shattered."
welcome 2007.
CS Lewis continues...
"And perhaps by God's grace, I succeed, and for a day become a creature dependent on God...but the moment the threat of pain is withdrawn, my entire nature leaps back to toys; I am even anxious, God forgive me, to banish from my mind the only thing that supported me under the threat because it is associated with the misery of those days of pain."
i am a captive audience to nobody....unless i'm in agony.
my questions regarding pain, the cause of pain, the purposes of pain, the initiator of pain, the executor of pain, the author of pain have only deepened this year. i have more questions than i have answers.
i've asked alot of questions i'd even be embarrassed to admit.
questions that again, seem so elementary, yet...more complex than previously thought possible with my simplistic notions of God and Faith and Will and....all that stuff you learn in Sunday School.
and so 2007 closes out...with ME more fully alert and desperate than i can ever remember being.
but my doubt has dissolved.
because i've finally learned to reach out and grasp all that He has wanted to give.
i may never have my own biological children.
i may never have alot of things i grew up dreaming of....
...and i'll inevitably cry a lifetime of tears as i possibly put to final rest some of deepest desires...regardless of what they are.
my threshold of pain was tested this year, and the windows to a world of deepening pain were opened and steep agony realized.
...i am now aware.
i am changed.
pain has more dimensions than i have senses to handle it.
and i hunger for heaven...a little bit more than i ever have.
i experience pain with eternity in my periphery...
and you realize that maybe the things of this world do grow strangely dim....
and that my soul's first love...is Him.
C.S Lewis continues:
"All that you are -- sins apart -- is destined, if you will let God have His good way, to utter satisfaction....
God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love.
Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for heaven alone -- made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand...."
i wasn't made for ME.
the brains of ME.
the heart of ME.
the desires of ME.
the world of ME.
those lessons are excruciating.
and if it weren't for 2007, i'd never have been able to say it. mean it. much less every stand to live it.
i am not giving off false holiness...
i am broken.
and even when you believe the fracture is so deep, you are fully, irreparably broken....
....you break even more.
and as you constantly attempt to separate earthly pain from God's infinite goodness, as though one is completely independant of the other....
you slowly realize that they are fettered together eternally.
and God is somehow good not only despite my pain but because of my pain....
i pulled out my journal this morning and at the top, as i do every morning, wrote the date.
December 31, 2007
day #365 of 365.
praise the LORD, i exhaled.
but the devotional led me to I Peter 5:10 --
And the God of all grace,
who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,
after you have suffered a little while,
will himself restore you
and make you strong,
firm and
steadfast.
....though we suffer....
He is all grace.
He is all glory.
....in a sense
....how can this not be acknowledged as the best year of my life....
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
last minute gift ideas.
i'm going to start writing about things i LOVE and things i HATE.
how's that.
a personal little REVIEW of my latest purchases and whether i feel they're worthy of EVER being purchased again....or if you should run out and BUY THEM IN DROVES!!!!!!
i just don't have the brain power to come up with anything original at this point.
i'm busted in the brain lately.
running on empty and trying to simply keep up.
so here we go!!!!!
i've had to buy ALOT of stuff because we're doing california-christmas this year, so the pressure was on to buy and ship gifts and it seems that every year there's ONE MORE PERSON to buy for....and the malls have been a NIGHTMARE!!!
but...without further delay....here's to all the wicked cool things that are worth every penny:
alot of the following will involve makeup.
the FIRST best thing of december DEFINITELY is:
Cargo's BeachBlush in "Echo Beach" from Sephora. $26
this stuff is TO DIE FOR!!!
i've been using some other high end bronzers and blushes and none have EVER made me as happy as this one. and to think - it's TWO IN ONE!!! that's a money saver right??
RUN, don't walk to sephora, and pick up this puppy.....it's potent, too. a little GOES SO FAR!!!
ok, i'm a little late to the Stila party, i know.
but i finally jumped on the bandwagon and CANT STOP GUSHING...
so next on the list is:
Stila's Plumping Lip Glaze in Vanilla Mint: $24
again, i was a skeptic for the last 5 years that my friends have been using it.
but i'm reformed now and forever regarding Stila. it also doesnt burn like other plumping glazes...it just makes your lips feel fresh, tingly, and minty!!!! and it REALLY DOES LAST!!! which was my beef all along with glazes and glosses. AH-mazing. the end.
uhm....omg.
ok, a true unexpected winner:
Lorac's Lip/Cheek Sheer Wash, $17
i wasn't expecting to be swooning so easily over something SO not my type.
this is a clear gloss-type-thing, with a rollerball, but it's the consistency of water.
if you're not careful, it'll drip a little out of place.
but it leaves your lips stained for hours.....and you can use gloss to make it look fresh throughout the day, but it's GUARANTEED COLOR for most of the day!! this above color isn't what i bought, but it's close, and i don't even believe i'm a fan. but i am!!!! i was so easily converted, it's sick. THUMBS UP!!!!
Headlines Salon Chemical Peel Facial
www.headlines-salon.com
wow. wow. wow.
i've never had a facial in my LIFE. ever. never even WANTED a facial. ever. in my life.
but last week, my skin threw a rebellion of the century and i broke out like crazy and freaked. and temporarily lost my mind and signed up for a facial. but not any facial.
A CHEMICAL PEEL.
i wasn't scared at all...until the technician lady told me what to expect.
and she.
was.
right.
people, it burned like the dickens....for 5 minutes when they let the goo sit on your face....and it burns worse...and worse...and worse....before it gets better.
that's the bad news.
the GOOD NEWS is....i walked out of there with baby-butt skin. it looked like i had a little bit of wind-burn...or a tinge of sunburn for the next few days...but even now, my skin feels SO SOFT and it exfoliated some of the ugly zits away.
will i do it again?
it'll be hard to turn down.
will i have to hide it from my husband?
only time will tell.
but with a price tag of $100, (it was an hour and a half long!), it sorta makes up for the fact that i don't spend ANY money on facial wash. i use good ole' dial soap in the shower for my face...THEREFOR, i justified it.
you lie on a heated bed...in the dark....with beach noise playing....and walk out with glowing skin. a little piece of heaven if you ask me :)
on a final note, another MUST HAVE is:
Clarins Lait Auto-Bronzant = Self Tanning Milk with SPF 6
$29
i really needed something that didnt SMELL like tanner, to put on my body before slipping into party attire to shoot last Saturday's wedding. i am WHITE WHITE WHITE, see previous posts for my whiteness.
at any rate....this little puppy IS AMAZING. it looks like i've come back from VACATION!!! it's for BODY only, not FACE, but regardless, you can wear a party dress and feel confident that you're not searing anybody's retina's with your flourescent winter skin.
it goes on as a thick, luxurious lotion....and you walk around nude for 10 minutes to let it dry, and the results are ALMOST instant. and it lasts 3 days. you can't beat it!!!!!
*******************************************
now for a list of all the things your friends will RETURN without telling you, because they weren't worth the money and store credit seems more attractive :)
Sadly, Clarins Tinted Self Tanning Face Cream with SPF 15
RETURNED TO STORE
$29 back in my wallet
this is a truly sad story.
it had all the promise behind it due to it's body cream's success.
it's oily.
it's heavy.
it smells TERRIBLE -- hello -- it's near my NOSE, too.
and it's overpriced. it's everything that we don't like? :)
it went back.
my powder bronzer is a nice replacement and all is well with the world.
Lorac "Co-Stars" in Kissing Scene color:
$19 back in my wallet
it's a wonderful concept.
just try another brand...or something.
every color offerred SUCKED.
i bought TWO, hoping to return the one i didn't like.
both went back.
did they stain for 12 hours?
YES!!!!
did the gloss work wonders!!??
YES!!!
but when the gloss wears away, you're dealing with some flaky lips, fading and spotty color, and STICKY wax feeling all over. so you MUST stay on top of the gloss...for sure!!!!
i'd deal with the side-effects if ALL of their colors didn't make me look dead.
if they updated their color selection, i'm all IN!
so i guess that leaves me on the fence?
maybe you'd like their colors?
it's a crap shoot...but at least at sephora = you can RETURN ANYTHING!!!!
amazing.
******************************************
actually, i have to run.
i'll discuss the worst place to get a haircut in DC, the worst place to buy glasses in DC, the worst place to get a manicure in DC, the worst way to ship gifts to another state.....and the worst place to park your car if you're registration is expired, on another day.
this now concludes the most shallow post i've ever written.
i may make this a weekly thing on my blog....the best and worst of the week :)
have a wonderful day and i'm off to pick up my new glasses!!!! woo hoooo...
how's that.
a personal little REVIEW of my latest purchases and whether i feel they're worthy of EVER being purchased again....or if you should run out and BUY THEM IN DROVES!!!!!!
i just don't have the brain power to come up with anything original at this point.
i'm busted in the brain lately.
running on empty and trying to simply keep up.
so here we go!!!!!
i've had to buy ALOT of stuff because we're doing california-christmas this year, so the pressure was on to buy and ship gifts and it seems that every year there's ONE MORE PERSON to buy for....and the malls have been a NIGHTMARE!!!
but...without further delay....here's to all the wicked cool things that are worth every penny:
alot of the following will involve makeup.
the FIRST best thing of december DEFINITELY is:
Cargo's BeachBlush in "Echo Beach" from Sephora. $26
this stuff is TO DIE FOR!!!
i've been using some other high end bronzers and blushes and none have EVER made me as happy as this one. and to think - it's TWO IN ONE!!! that's a money saver right??
RUN, don't walk to sephora, and pick up this puppy.....it's potent, too. a little GOES SO FAR!!!
ok, i'm a little late to the Stila party, i know.
but i finally jumped on the bandwagon and CANT STOP GUSHING...
so next on the list is:
Stila's Plumping Lip Glaze in Vanilla Mint: $24
again, i was a skeptic for the last 5 years that my friends have been using it.
but i'm reformed now and forever regarding Stila. it also doesnt burn like other plumping glazes...it just makes your lips feel fresh, tingly, and minty!!!! and it REALLY DOES LAST!!! which was my beef all along with glazes and glosses. AH-mazing. the end.
uhm....omg.
ok, a true unexpected winner:
Lorac's Lip/Cheek Sheer Wash, $17
i wasn't expecting to be swooning so easily over something SO not my type.
this is a clear gloss-type-thing, with a rollerball, but it's the consistency of water.
if you're not careful, it'll drip a little out of place.
but it leaves your lips stained for hours.....and you can use gloss to make it look fresh throughout the day, but it's GUARANTEED COLOR for most of the day!! this above color isn't what i bought, but it's close, and i don't even believe i'm a fan. but i am!!!! i was so easily converted, it's sick. THUMBS UP!!!!
Headlines Salon Chemical Peel Facial
www.headlines-salon.com
wow. wow. wow.
i've never had a facial in my LIFE. ever. never even WANTED a facial. ever. in my life.
but last week, my skin threw a rebellion of the century and i broke out like crazy and freaked. and temporarily lost my mind and signed up for a facial. but not any facial.
A CHEMICAL PEEL.
i wasn't scared at all...until the technician lady told me what to expect.
and she.
was.
right.
people, it burned like the dickens....for 5 minutes when they let the goo sit on your face....and it burns worse...and worse...and worse....before it gets better.
that's the bad news.
the GOOD NEWS is....i walked out of there with baby-butt skin. it looked like i had a little bit of wind-burn...or a tinge of sunburn for the next few days...but even now, my skin feels SO SOFT and it exfoliated some of the ugly zits away.
will i do it again?
it'll be hard to turn down.
will i have to hide it from my husband?
only time will tell.
but with a price tag of $100, (it was an hour and a half long!), it sorta makes up for the fact that i don't spend ANY money on facial wash. i use good ole' dial soap in the shower for my face...THEREFOR, i justified it.
you lie on a heated bed...in the dark....with beach noise playing....and walk out with glowing skin. a little piece of heaven if you ask me :)
on a final note, another MUST HAVE is:
Clarins Lait Auto-Bronzant = Self Tanning Milk with SPF 6
$29
i really needed something that didnt SMELL like tanner, to put on my body before slipping into party attire to shoot last Saturday's wedding. i am WHITE WHITE WHITE, see previous posts for my whiteness.
at any rate....this little puppy IS AMAZING. it looks like i've come back from VACATION!!! it's for BODY only, not FACE, but regardless, you can wear a party dress and feel confident that you're not searing anybody's retina's with your flourescent winter skin.
it goes on as a thick, luxurious lotion....and you walk around nude for 10 minutes to let it dry, and the results are ALMOST instant. and it lasts 3 days. you can't beat it!!!!!
*******************************************
now for a list of all the things your friends will RETURN without telling you, because they weren't worth the money and store credit seems more attractive :)
Sadly, Clarins Tinted Self Tanning Face Cream with SPF 15
RETURNED TO STORE
$29 back in my wallet
this is a truly sad story.
it had all the promise behind it due to it's body cream's success.
it's oily.
it's heavy.
it smells TERRIBLE -- hello -- it's near my NOSE, too.
and it's overpriced. it's everything that we don't like? :)
it went back.
my powder bronzer is a nice replacement and all is well with the world.
Lorac "Co-Stars" in Kissing Scene color:
$19 back in my wallet
it's a wonderful concept.
just try another brand...or something.
every color offerred SUCKED.
i bought TWO, hoping to return the one i didn't like.
both went back.
did they stain for 12 hours?
YES!!!!
did the gloss work wonders!!??
YES!!!
but when the gloss wears away, you're dealing with some flaky lips, fading and spotty color, and STICKY wax feeling all over. so you MUST stay on top of the gloss...for sure!!!!
i'd deal with the side-effects if ALL of their colors didn't make me look dead.
if they updated their color selection, i'm all IN!
so i guess that leaves me on the fence?
maybe you'd like their colors?
it's a crap shoot...but at least at sephora = you can RETURN ANYTHING!!!!
amazing.
******************************************
actually, i have to run.
i'll discuss the worst place to get a haircut in DC, the worst place to buy glasses in DC, the worst place to get a manicure in DC, the worst way to ship gifts to another state.....and the worst place to park your car if you're registration is expired, on another day.
this now concludes the most shallow post i've ever written.
i may make this a weekly thing on my blog....the best and worst of the week :)
have a wonderful day and i'm off to pick up my new glasses!!!! woo hoooo...
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