LIFE'S LOST AND FOUND

10 Months of Love...

ten months ago today my life changed forever.
i was awake in bed last night, reliving the feeling of being rolled into the operating room, and despite the doctors best efforts to knock me out, remaining fully aware of how my life was going to be abruptly and unexpectedly altered...forever.

i remember the green tiles in the OR.
i remember the horrifying feeling of being stripped naked on the table, so they could wash my belly down.
i remember the flourescent lights and the clock on the wall...and the anesthesiologist begging me to take deeper breaths.
i remember shaking and wondering where chad was.
i remember being prodded and asked if i can feel it. feel this? feel this over here?

and then i remember hearing his little cry as he was thrust out of his little home in my body and prematurely taken...

moments you just never forget.
they don't fade.
they are now a part of ME forever....

and ever since that day, time has gone faster than i could have ever expected, though each minute is sweeter than i could have ever expected.

i think the most surprising thing to me, over the past 10mths is how much isaac's wellbeing IS one in the same with my wellbeing. it isn't like he's a drag on my life. (which is how i used to view motherhood when i'd see screaming babies or hear of late nights...) rather, my every happiness is wrapped up in his. and his, mine. he's become this extension of myself, and caring for that extension, is just as though i am caring for myself. it's more natural than people can explain. it just flows...

and now that he's ten months, he hugs and kisses, and crawls and laughs, cries, snuggles, ...each day brings clearer communication and exchange of sentiments and emotion.

it's been nothing short of amazing.
10 months of life-changing LOVE.

and everybody else loves him too.
he's a love magnet :)
we were at the grocery store yesterday and countless people comment about his sweetness. a woman at the deli counter talked to me for TEN MINUTES about his sweet skin, sweet face, sweet hair, sweet smile and sweet eyes...just on and on.

i feel so blessed that he is mine!

i love you baby bear!!!

(PS: i just spent HOURS updating on my past MONTH -- so keep reading below!!!! there are 6 back to back posts on our recent life! read it or die! cuz i did it for YOU! :)

vacation joke.

AND THEN we drove to NC. (well, right before i shot a wedding the night between being in PA and NC. nothing like packing for fun, work, and BEACH all in one suitcase. bullet in head now.)
just me and i-man.
8 hours.
you MUST be kidding me.

if you're wondering, Puff has cooler and better things going on, and would rather be out in sunny San Diego, putting in his final study hours for his CFA EXAM on SATURDAY JUNE 6TH.
PLEASE, if i've EVER asked you to pray, i ask you now to PLEASE pray for his focus and his retention of RIDICULOUS amts of information and for the Lord to BLESS US with a PASSING SCORE! between you and me (since he never reads this stupid blog...), i can't TAKE IT MUCH LONGER! every year he sells his sweet little soul (READ: disregards MILLIONS of fun things he wants to do with his family, in exchange for studying...more...again....

forever and ever.) for 6mths out of the 12, and i just REALLY REALLY need this to be behind us.

in any case, we drove to the beach ALONE.
and we did the beach week ALONE w/o daddy. :(
fortunately, we were in a beach house with 20 other people....and that beach house was right next to another beach house with another 20 people, all of which loved isaac very much and helped me out ALOT!! but let's just put it out there -- i was stupid to think i could do it w/o chad. retarded stupid. MORON. in a perfect world, it was feasible. but even if you hardly know me, you know ENOUGH to know my world is far from perfect...and well....isaac's world isn't always rainbows and butterflies either. and put our two NON-perfect worlds together w/o daddy for a week...and then throw in sand, packing, sickness, 32342 kids, sunscreen, packing, diahrrea, sand, throwing up, screaming kids, packing, sleepless nights, hives, infection, packing, sand.....did i mention packing?....yeah it was hard. it was REALLY hard. we had many amazing moments and some fun time on the beach, but isaac made it clear that he was none too interested in sand in his eyes, or sand on his body, or sand in a 20-mile radius of him. there were moments EVERY SINGLE PERSON was on the beach and me/isaac stared at walls in the living room of the beach house.

wait.
did i mention the WEIRD FREAKISH SCREAMING from 1-5am EVERY NIGHT?
i was a walking dead person who became increasingly bitter at the CFA with every moment that went by.

i finally decided at 3am on friday that i needed to come home. i couldn't take another day of non-sleep. i was going on 5 nights of maybe....5 minutes of compiled sleep for the week and was dead.
so while we were set to leave on sunday, i packed up in the dark (MORE PACKING!), next to a screaming child, and hit the road unbeknownst to everybody else until 8am when they and their NORMAL CHILDREN woke for the day.

i've since spent the remainder of the weekend crying over sand in my bags (good cry! i wanna go back! like a sick freak! i love the beach!!!! funny how our minds choose to only romanticize something in hindsight, that was more or less a dramatic vacation to hell) and sleeping. i am utterly exhausted...!!!

but we did have fun! the company was by far the best part! my best friend and her family are like my own family! so for that, i am incredibly thankful!!! had i done this with ANYBODY ELSE, there would be no salvageable moments! surrounded by seasoned mommies made my life so much better for those 6 days!!!

and now i'm back!
laundry!
sleeping!
cooking!
and switching suitcases for yet ANOTHER TRIP on thursday!
i'm headed to DIRTY JERSEY to stand up next to another lifelong friend (9 years pretty much is lifelong, right? :) and watch her get married to the love of her life!!!!
AND NO!!!!
ISAAC ISNT COMING!
I COULD CRY FROM EXCITEMENT!
after nearly 3 weeks of alone time with isaac, while i would walk on hot coals for him, i am over the moon about some girlie time and ADULT TIME :) no baby einstein, diahrrea (well, i hope none), diapers, orally administered medications, bathtimes, snotty noses or formula for 3 days :)

WAAAAHHHOOOOO!!!!!

some highlights :) it was not all bad...

Ryder & Isaac!

then i went to PA to spend some QT with my family! and for isaac to meet his 2 mth old cousin!
COUSINS!
so weird!
COUSINS!

i know i posted about this already, but i love it....

when ryder was born, isaac wasn't allowed into the maternity ward bc he was too young himself and...you know...it was nice going there w/o him :)
but it's time for the two to meet and it was so special seeing them together and buying matching outfits and heading outdoors for a little family photoshoot!
isaac was not TOO thrilled, but we managed to capture a few of them...

expanding the family is always neat and adding to the layers as years pass by is so wonderful to be a part of....

i think of the blessing of isaac often....nearly every minute...and remember wondering if he would ever come to be....

and i am blessed...my family is blessed that he is here!

WELCOME TO THE FAMILY, TOO, RYDER!!!!

Parker & Thomas!

holla!
i'm soo back in the saddle.
summer is here, brides abound and the life is a wedding photographer resumes.
er. kinda.
life of a wedding photographer turned MOM who deals with ailments and 34234 loads of laundry a day, resumes.

SO, i was invited to come out to lexington NC and shoot the engagement party of parker swann! outside of being SO honored, i was SO EXCITED bc i've never been to the swann household! after convincing me to not fear the small 12 seater prop jet....we landed in NC in 40 minutes. THAT is impressive.

we had a wonderful time of touring the hometown, which included stops at the local pharmacy that has a lunch counter?! can you say FLASHBACK TO THE 50's!? probably the neatest thing left standing in America.

then we headed over to the local winery....YUM!!!!

then i got a killer migraine. no kidding. how do these things ALWAYS happen at the worst times???

then i had the privilege of shooting one of the coolest engagement parties of all time!!!!

parker and thomas are precious together and i VERY MUCH look forward to their wedding and lifetime of joy and happiness!!!

CONGRATS GUYS!!!!