Well, today I found myself,
After searching all these years,
And the man that I saw,
He wasn't at all who I'd thought he'd be.
I was lost when You found me here,
And I was broken beyond repair,
Then You came along and
You sang your song over me.
It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time,
In my life.
Make a promise to me now,
Reassure my heart somehow,
That the love that I feel,
Is so much more real than anything.
I've a feeling in my soul,
And I pray that I'm not wrong,
That the life I have now,
It is only the beginning.
It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time
It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
For the very first time
I wasn't looking for something that was more,
Than what I had yesterday,
Then You came to me,
Then You gave to me,
Life and a love that I've never known,
That I've never felt before.
It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time
...in my life.
--Third Day
Friday, January 8, 2010
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
hiatus
hi⋅a⋅tus –noun, plural -tus⋅es, -tus.
:::::
well, if it ain't already evident, i no longer have time to blog.
or energy.
or both.
life's been building up for a while.
and yesterday was a reminder that you can only cut a pie into so many slices.
i am not made of magic.
i am just as shocked by this revelation as you are.
so until i can walk on water, again, and guarantee...you know...that yesterday will never repeat itself, i will be taking a blogging hiatus.
time is precious.
life is short.
health is a precarious thing around these parts.
personal relationships are paramount.
...and all things of lesser value will have to wait.
and if you start to miss me too much, call me.
it's hard to remember, but i'm pretty sure that's how it worked back in the 90's...
one day we'll be back, new and improved...
with much love,
the morgans
| 1. | a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc. |
:::::
well, if it ain't already evident, i no longer have time to blog.
or energy.
or both.
life's been building up for a while.
and yesterday was a reminder that you can only cut a pie into so many slices.
i am not made of magic.
i am just as shocked by this revelation as you are.
so until i can walk on water, again, and guarantee...you know...that yesterday will never repeat itself, i will be taking a blogging hiatus.
time is precious.
life is short.
health is a precarious thing around these parts.
personal relationships are paramount.
...and all things of lesser value will have to wait.
and if you start to miss me too much, call me.
it's hard to remember, but i'm pretty sure that's how it worked back in the 90's...
one day we'll be back, new and improved...
with much love,
the morgans
Thursday, November 5, 2009
what a week...!
before i dump a bunch of photos onto the internet, i should update you all on the health situations.
it's been quite a week. no bon bons and ellen over here this year. oh, no. it's been back to back appointments, tests, appointments, visitors, costumes, and more appointments.
the rheumatoid specialist diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and put me on a bunch of meds to hopefully regulate my pain. he was a very wonderful doctor and i liked him alot. he validated, listened, explained and made a plan. can't all doctors just follow suit??!
that was friday.
friday afternoon, 4 of chad's friends from california came to town and the chaos began! it was truly a joy to see them and we had back to back festivities lined up, including capitol tours, city bus tours, dinners out...the works! quite a nice diversion, honestly.
did i mention HALLOWEEN??? :)
the guests enjoyed a fun night out on king street while we took isaac to our old neighborhood on the Hill for some fun. he was none too interested in the people (actually a bit scared), though he thoroughly enjoyed running up and down the sidewalks...alls well that ends well. i never want to see a dorothy OR scarecrow costume again for as long as i live! :)
they left on monday afternoon, and i packed my bags for my prescribed sleep study overnight at a sleep clinic.
needless to say, i failed.
the rheumatoid specialist said sleep is a huge issue with people with fibromyalgia (FM), so he wanted to confirm it. i had no idea but apparently there are 4 levels of sleep...4 being the deepest, most restorative sleep. i never made it out of level 2 the entire night. who knew.
then again, can you imagine sleeping with all these cords? and this wasn't even HALF of them!
i was sent home packin' at 5am. i wouldn't recommend the experience to anybody. avoid it if at all possible! :)
and tuesday did not let up.
i had a full cervical and lumbar MRI at the hospital that morning, at which point, i promptly fell asleep during the procedure, despite the hard cold plastic i was laying on, and the headgear you have to wear to block out the loud sounds. go figure!
(did i mention chad left town for three days on tuesday? let's just call it The Perfect Storm.)
highlight of the day? VOTING! the polls seemed quite deserted when i went to cast my vote, so it was quick and painless -- and the results were exciting and fulfilling. two thumbs up for Virginia!!! GO MCDONNELL!!!!
we continued the chaos on wednesday with a chevy chase appointment for an EMG. people. words cannot describe the torture that 2 hour rollercoaster was. the first hour involved electrical volts being directed at every nerve from the neck down. the second hour involved needles being shoved into major muscle groups, like...oh...calf, thigh, forearm...and then places that seem impossible, like the top of your foot, your ankle, and fingers. i'm not being dramatic when i asked him if i could leave early. i half sat up on the table and declared the test DONE. sadly, i lost...and succumbed to the full hour of chinese torture.
and that brings us to today! we had a fun morning at isaac's coop playschool, but too bad he's got a pedi appt at 3pm given he was up all night crying for some unknown reason. i mean, really.
daaaadddddyyyy, please come home STAT!!!!
and then tomorrow, we conclude this oh so glorious week with oral surgery (extractions, bone grafts, etc) at 230pm.
but not before i have a photoshoot in the morning, while isaac tags along with chad at 7am for a doctors appt since CHAD is sick as well. when both parents are down for the count -- WHO TAKES CARE OF US??? :)
i anticipate a less than awesome weekend, for sure.
but such is life right now and somehow we've crawled through it and can only pray next week will be a bit more smooth and seamless.
oh, and in case you're wondering -- no results are in from any of the mentioned tests. i will receive the full reports next week. which is fine. one thing at a time...
if you're getting the impression that i'm exhausted, you are correct.
so that essentially brings you up to speed on our previous 6 days. or was it 6 years...? truly the longest week of my life. how grateful i am for everybody who's stepped up to help out and take isaac off my hands during these most vulnerable and helpless moments. despite it all, i am blessed...
the.
end.
it's been quite a week. no bon bons and ellen over here this year. oh, no. it's been back to back appointments, tests, appointments, visitors, costumes, and more appointments.
the rheumatoid specialist diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and put me on a bunch of meds to hopefully regulate my pain. he was a very wonderful doctor and i liked him alot. he validated, listened, explained and made a plan. can't all doctors just follow suit??!
that was friday.
friday afternoon, 4 of chad's friends from california came to town and the chaos began! it was truly a joy to see them and we had back to back festivities lined up, including capitol tours, city bus tours, dinners out...the works! quite a nice diversion, honestly.
did i mention HALLOWEEN??? :)
the guests enjoyed a fun night out on king street while we took isaac to our old neighborhood on the Hill for some fun. he was none too interested in the people (actually a bit scared), though he thoroughly enjoyed running up and down the sidewalks...alls well that ends well. i never want to see a dorothy OR scarecrow costume again for as long as i live! :)
they left on monday afternoon, and i packed my bags for my prescribed sleep study overnight at a sleep clinic.
needless to say, i failed.
the rheumatoid specialist said sleep is a huge issue with people with fibromyalgia (FM), so he wanted to confirm it. i had no idea but apparently there are 4 levels of sleep...4 being the deepest, most restorative sleep. i never made it out of level 2 the entire night. who knew.
then again, can you imagine sleeping with all these cords? and this wasn't even HALF of them!
i was sent home packin' at 5am. i wouldn't recommend the experience to anybody. avoid it if at all possible! :)
and tuesday did not let up.
i had a full cervical and lumbar MRI at the hospital that morning, at which point, i promptly fell asleep during the procedure, despite the hard cold plastic i was laying on, and the headgear you have to wear to block out the loud sounds. go figure!
(did i mention chad left town for three days on tuesday? let's just call it The Perfect Storm.)
highlight of the day? VOTING! the polls seemed quite deserted when i went to cast my vote, so it was quick and painless -- and the results were exciting and fulfilling. two thumbs up for Virginia!!! GO MCDONNELL!!!!
we continued the chaos on wednesday with a chevy chase appointment for an EMG. people. words cannot describe the torture that 2 hour rollercoaster was. the first hour involved electrical volts being directed at every nerve from the neck down. the second hour involved needles being shoved into major muscle groups, like...oh...calf, thigh, forearm...and then places that seem impossible, like the top of your foot, your ankle, and fingers. i'm not being dramatic when i asked him if i could leave early. i half sat up on the table and declared the test DONE. sadly, i lost...and succumbed to the full hour of chinese torture.
and that brings us to today! we had a fun morning at isaac's coop playschool, but too bad he's got a pedi appt at 3pm given he was up all night crying for some unknown reason. i mean, really.
daaaadddddyyyy, please come home STAT!!!!
and then tomorrow, we conclude this oh so glorious week with oral surgery (extractions, bone grafts, etc) at 230pm.
but not before i have a photoshoot in the morning, while isaac tags along with chad at 7am for a doctors appt since CHAD is sick as well. when both parents are down for the count -- WHO TAKES CARE OF US??? :)
i anticipate a less than awesome weekend, for sure.
but such is life right now and somehow we've crawled through it and can only pray next week will be a bit more smooth and seamless.
oh, and in case you're wondering -- no results are in from any of the mentioned tests. i will receive the full reports next week. which is fine. one thing at a time...
if you're getting the impression that i'm exhausted, you are correct.
so that essentially brings you up to speed on our previous 6 days. or was it 6 years...? truly the longest week of my life. how grateful i am for everybody who's stepped up to help out and take isaac off my hands during these most vulnerable and helpless moments. despite it all, i am blessed...
the.
end.
Friday, October 30, 2009
10:30 AM
well then.
i had an appt with the rheumatoid specialist on Nov 9th.
then it got bumped up to Nov 5th.
then it got bumped up to 1030am today.
i could not be more thankful, as my mind AND body need answers...
update forthcoming!
in the meantime, enjoy some matchy-matchiness. ;)
thank you Nickerson Studios!!!!!
(wedding photography partners and best friends!)
i had an appt with the rheumatoid specialist on Nov 9th.
then it got bumped up to Nov 5th.
then it got bumped up to 1030am today.
i could not be more thankful, as my mind AND body need answers...
update forthcoming!
in the meantime, enjoy some matchy-matchiness. ;)
thank you Nickerson Studios!!!!!
(wedding photography partners and best friends!)
Thursday, October 29, 2009
...not what i expected...
i haven't laid in bed consumed by utter anxiety in a long time.
i finally gave up, 2 nights ago, at midnight and came downstairs to get in a more comfortable position, and do some reading.
and praying.
and more reading.
and journaling.
and praying...
and a bit of crying...sure.
my symptoms over the last 48+ hours have progressed so quickly, the onset confusing me and scaring me.
the numb/tingling/heaviness in my extremities.
the tingling burning pain in my face.
the unbelievably uncomfortable pains i have as i try to fall asleep...
it's as though my body feels it has the flu, bad, except i dont....
everything aches.
for some reason, all i kept hearing was the Johns Hopkins specialist telling me i have a 50% chance of one day being diagnosed with MS.
i was all but convinced this is it...this is my slow decline into MS....
my neurologist took me in for a same-day appt.
she's very sweet, i like this neurologist alot.
the other two treated me like a stupid child with too much time on her hands.
one prescribed me an anti-depressant and told me i "suffer from too much anxiety."
(duh, idiot. have you ever dealt with this level of chronic pain?! IT MAKES YOU ANXIOUS!)
the other one (as many of you may recall), told me i have an inability to articulate my pain, rolled his eyes, and told me to go home and "think hard about what you really want to say." oh and his prescribed muscle relaxants that would knock a horse over. no thanks.
so this woman is sweet and understanding and actually lets me TALK...and whaddya know...she actually LISTENS as well.
AND fortunately, at the last minute, a friend persuaded me to leave isaac with her.
that was certainly a gift, because i sat in the waiting room at the Neurologist's office for 30 minutes and IN her office for another 30+ minutes. isaac would have all but destroyed the place, and distracted my already frenzied mind...
all that said, i dissolved into tears the second i sat down, pretty much.
i told her about some new symptoms i'm having and i fully expected her to refer me to have more testing done for MS.
but she smiled when i even referenced MS.
"when you leave here, allison, never think of MS again. put it out of your head. your symptoms don't line up and neither does your brain MRI...this isn't MS."
rather, she sat back after jotting tons of notes and asks, "have you ever been to a rheumatologist?" i was half relieved to hear her dismiss MS, but half exhausted by the notion of annnnother string of specialists, and another litany of tests....
i told her no...no rheumatologists here.
she said what i have sounds alot like fibromyalgia, another nerve/muscle condition...which is far preferable to MS, in my mind. though...i hear it's painful...but yeah, that makes sense since i'm in pain.
pain...check.
of course she ordered a few more MRIs, just because that's sorta her job to get a good picture of the spinal cord to check for additional nerve conditions -- though she's reluctant since she doesn't believe it'll show anything abnormal. (don't tell my insurance company...)
and then she said i should get a: Electromyography & Nerve Conduction Study (EMG).
if any of you have ever had that, please tell me what to expect.
she said it's rather painful, as they stick a ton of needles into your muscles and use electricity to see how they respond. that just doesn't sound too pleasant. i've been a bit slow to schedule that one into my social calendar...
all to say...i'm rather unnerved by it all.
let's be honest, i could show up at the rheumatologist and have them diagnose me with something TOTALLY different. but i'm sure we'll get to bottom of this eventually.
yes, a diagnosis of fibromyalgia is not really preferable.
but, it's a diagnosis.
a diagnosis that has evaded me for roughly a decade.
so i welcome the conclusion of this mystery.
and regardless of anything they say -- i'm still riding on a cloud over the MS being ruled out. (praying my additional MRIs are conclusive to this end, as well...)
and while any rheumatoid condition is a drag...it's not fatal.
until you've sat awake all night wondering if you are dying, it may be hard to see why i appreciate a diagnosis like this...
the worst possible ideas were floating across my mind and i'd think of chad..and think of isaac...and think of them having to take care of me for life...and well, it was unbearable.
so for now (and for always! regardless...) i will choose to be thankful.
i am thankful to my VERY close proximity to wonderful doctors.
i am thankful i have an otherwise healthy family.
i am thankful i get to stay home and that my pursuit of treatment/tests isn't complicated by a work schedule...
i am thankful that my biggest concerns are for isaac and who will watch over him during all of these appts and treatments and tests.
and if that's my biggest concern at this point - i am a very blessed girl.
Proverbs 27:1 -- Do not boast in tomorrow, for we do not know what a day may bring...
2 Corinthians 10:23 -- Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort...
2 Corinthians 12:9 -- But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
Psalms 23: 6 -- Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
i finally gave up, 2 nights ago, at midnight and came downstairs to get in a more comfortable position, and do some reading.
and praying.
and more reading.
and journaling.
and praying...
and a bit of crying...sure.
my symptoms over the last 48+ hours have progressed so quickly, the onset confusing me and scaring me.
the numb/tingling/heaviness in my extremities.
the tingling burning pain in my face.
the unbelievably uncomfortable pains i have as i try to fall asleep...
it's as though my body feels it has the flu, bad, except i dont....
everything aches.
for some reason, all i kept hearing was the Johns Hopkins specialist telling me i have a 50% chance of one day being diagnosed with MS.
i was all but convinced this is it...this is my slow decline into MS....
my neurologist took me in for a same-day appt.
she's very sweet, i like this neurologist alot.
the other two treated me like a stupid child with too much time on her hands.
one prescribed me an anti-depressant and told me i "suffer from too much anxiety."
(duh, idiot. have you ever dealt with this level of chronic pain?! IT MAKES YOU ANXIOUS!)
the other one (as many of you may recall), told me i have an inability to articulate my pain, rolled his eyes, and told me to go home and "think hard about what you really want to say." oh and his prescribed muscle relaxants that would knock a horse over. no thanks.
so this woman is sweet and understanding and actually lets me TALK...and whaddya know...she actually LISTENS as well.
AND fortunately, at the last minute, a friend persuaded me to leave isaac with her.
that was certainly a gift, because i sat in the waiting room at the Neurologist's office for 30 minutes and IN her office for another 30+ minutes. isaac would have all but destroyed the place, and distracted my already frenzied mind...
all that said, i dissolved into tears the second i sat down, pretty much.
i told her about some new symptoms i'm having and i fully expected her to refer me to have more testing done for MS.
but she smiled when i even referenced MS.
"when you leave here, allison, never think of MS again. put it out of your head. your symptoms don't line up and neither does your brain MRI...this isn't MS."
rather, she sat back after jotting tons of notes and asks, "have you ever been to a rheumatologist?" i was half relieved to hear her dismiss MS, but half exhausted by the notion of annnnother string of specialists, and another litany of tests....
i told her no...no rheumatologists here.
she said what i have sounds alot like fibromyalgia, another nerve/muscle condition...which is far preferable to MS, in my mind. though...i hear it's painful...but yeah, that makes sense since i'm in pain.
pain...check.
of course she ordered a few more MRIs, just because that's sorta her job to get a good picture of the spinal cord to check for additional nerve conditions -- though she's reluctant since she doesn't believe it'll show anything abnormal. (don't tell my insurance company...)
and then she said i should get a: Electromyography & Nerve Conduction Study (EMG).
if any of you have ever had that, please tell me what to expect.
she said it's rather painful, as they stick a ton of needles into your muscles and use electricity to see how they respond. that just doesn't sound too pleasant. i've been a bit slow to schedule that one into my social calendar...
all to say...i'm rather unnerved by it all.
let's be honest, i could show up at the rheumatologist and have them diagnose me with something TOTALLY different. but i'm sure we'll get to bottom of this eventually.
yes, a diagnosis of fibromyalgia is not really preferable.
but, it's a diagnosis.
a diagnosis that has evaded me for roughly a decade.
so i welcome the conclusion of this mystery.
and regardless of anything they say -- i'm still riding on a cloud over the MS being ruled out. (praying my additional MRIs are conclusive to this end, as well...)
and while any rheumatoid condition is a drag...it's not fatal.
until you've sat awake all night wondering if you are dying, it may be hard to see why i appreciate a diagnosis like this...
the worst possible ideas were floating across my mind and i'd think of chad..and think of isaac...and think of them having to take care of me for life...and well, it was unbearable.
so for now (and for always! regardless...) i will choose to be thankful.
i am thankful to my VERY close proximity to wonderful doctors.
i am thankful i have an otherwise healthy family.
i am thankful i get to stay home and that my pursuit of treatment/tests isn't complicated by a work schedule...
i am thankful that my biggest concerns are for isaac and who will watch over him during all of these appts and treatments and tests.
and if that's my biggest concern at this point - i am a very blessed girl.
Proverbs 27:1 -- Do not boast in tomorrow, for we do not know what a day may bring...
2 Corinthians 10:23 -- Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort...
2 Corinthians 12:9 -- But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
Psalms 23: 6 -- Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
4th Neurologist Appt...
please just pray for me if you think of it...
i've been to 3 different neurologists, each one gave me a different diagnosis.
this is a follow-up appt with one of those 3 neurologists.
it seems symptoms have taken a turn and yes, i am scared.
...though, i'm certain isaac will provide some levity to the situation at hand, since he'll be in attendance as well. sweet.
will update soon....
much appreciated.
i've been to 3 different neurologists, each one gave me a different diagnosis.
this is a follow-up appt with one of those 3 neurologists.
it seems symptoms have taken a turn and yes, i am scared.
...though, i'm certain isaac will provide some levity to the situation at hand, since he'll be in attendance as well. sweet.
will update soon....
much appreciated.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
a little comic relief...
wow, thank you all for your comments, emails and stories...
my last two posts were on the 'heavy' side...but it seems that many of you appreciate that from time to time, and i'm thankful for this online community!
(part 2 coming soon on the vaccine info...)
let's shift gears for a while and talk about my little scarecrow.
he's none too pleased with the hat that is tightly bound to his huge noggin, but that's ok. i'm simply relieved it somewhat fits! he's got the biggest head in town, so i was nervous ordering his costume online, for fear it would squeeze his melon to death!
:: melon still in tact ::
emily from our playgroup decided to host a fun little halloween party and i'm so thankful she did! it was alot of fun seeing the kids dressed up and grabbing a few fun photos!
break for lunch! :)
isaac's costume is meant to look like it's falling apart...but we're trying to be careful when he wears it while eating, since it would never survive one cycle in the washing machine. it really is falling apart!
we look forward to wearing a couple more times this week...though i'm sure you're not as excited to see the same kid, in the same costume, countless more times...
it's nice to have a good excuse to get together with friends, taking lots of photos...and EAT yummy food. here's to Fall 2009!
my last two posts were on the 'heavy' side...but it seems that many of you appreciate that from time to time, and i'm thankful for this online community!
(part 2 coming soon on the vaccine info...)
let's shift gears for a while and talk about my little scarecrow.
he's none too pleased with the hat that is tightly bound to his huge noggin, but that's ok. i'm simply relieved it somewhat fits! he's got the biggest head in town, so i was nervous ordering his costume online, for fear it would squeeze his melon to death!
:: melon still in tact ::
emily from our playgroup decided to host a fun little halloween party and i'm so thankful she did! it was alot of fun seeing the kids dressed up and grabbing a few fun photos!
break for lunch! :)
isaac's costume is meant to look like it's falling apart...but we're trying to be careful when he wears it while eating, since it would never survive one cycle in the washing machine. it really is falling apart!
we look forward to wearing a couple more times this week...though i'm sure you're not as excited to see the same kid, in the same costume, countless more times...
it's nice to have a good excuse to get together with friends, taking lots of photos...and EAT yummy food. here's to Fall 2009!
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