July 28, 2008
why do i allow satan to capture my mind in fear all the time? yesterday i decided to not wash the baby clothes just in case they need to be returned if the baby dies. and today -- i feel panic over chad's flight to houston -- what if it goes down and i never see him again on this earth? what if...what if...
Lord forgive my morbid fears -- You are sovereign, you are always in control. if one of these things happens -- you've allowed it and you are perfect. do i believe that or not? Lord help me to think of things that are holy, pure, good -- not the worst case scenarios ALL of the time. with that said, my husband and unborn child are so important to me -- so i ask that you protect them today and i thank you for a history of protection to this point. order my days to glorify you. help me to devote my life to following You and resembling Your son.
help me to never forget where i could be without your grace!
i have to admit, i woke up that monday terrified for some reason. i felt internal panic and a need to draw close to the Lord and ask for his peace. i felt as though maybe He was preparing me and as i sought out comfort in His word, i felt even more as though something were about to transpire. i felt as though He wanted me to take His promises and remember them when the trial was to strike. i typically go through a little devotional, and then another little book that chad and i enjoy reading from, in the mornings. every single verse felt like confirmation that something were about to happen. i had mentioned previously that i had had 3 dreams of c-sections during the previous week, and a sudden urge to pack an overnight bag for the hospital. (which i never did... despite staring at it on my to-do list.) and then to have verse after verse remind me that His thoughts are not my thoughts...His ways are higher than my ways. and to be reminded that the Lord is good, and His loving-kindness is everlasting....and to be reminded that he promises to work ALL things out for my good. and to be reminded that for Him and through Him and to Him are all things.
obviously verses of comfort are much needed. but they can also be nerve-racking when you haven't yet understood why they are being sent. i remember sitting there that monday morning, with a sinking feeling in my heart that something scary was pending. "Lord, why the comforting verses when nothing is wrong? what is about to happen? why are you preparing me?"
i had written at the top of the journal entry: 33 weeks and 3 days.
isaac was born at 34 weeks.
my next journal entry was the morning of his birthday, as i finally had a moment of silence while chad was not in the room. my section was scheduled for noon. i had to endure two hours of being alone from 8-10am. i finally cried. i was devastated. heartbroken. completely destroyed emotionally and finally had the silence to spend time facing my anxious heart. tears well up in my eyes even now for reasons i still cannot quite explain. my heart ached for my little boy who deserved 40 full weeks to grow. my body ached to keep him inside, to give him a better chance at life, to keep him as close to me as possible. i felt as though i was having him ripped from me prematurely, and i felt cheated from the experience i had been dreaming of for so long....
ultimately, i felt as though my deepest fears were becoming my reality. my paranoia was actually being played out before me.
my next journal entry was that morning.
August 1, 2008
oh my -- the last two days have been a blur of emotions and actions. God please sustain us in this time of anxiety, excitement and fear. our baby boy is going to be taken by c-section at noon today in 4 hours, due to an aging placenta and heart decelerations. i am so sad to be losing you from inside of me, baby. i wanted to see how big you'd become in my stomach, and for you to be safe and grow in strength. but they feel it's safer to get you out prematurely and i have such a mixed bag of emotions. mostly heartbreak. i know that every minute you stay wiht me is for our good -- and they're taking you. why is my body so awful to you and me, both? why can't i simply enjoy a pregnancy? and see you grow to full term, so you have the best chance of a healthy life? how will i leave you in a NICU for two full weeks??
please dear heavenly Father, protect this baby.
please dear Father let him be ready for life on the outside of me.
please dear God let the doctors know what to do for him and his health needs.
please dear God prepare my heart for the unknown and let me trust in your sovereign protection over my life and the life of Isaac and Chad....
i meant to follow up that day after his birth, to pen my emotions and express the day's events and such. i never was able to. between the pain meds, and the visitors, and the distractions of becoming a mother -- i was kept from documenting it. but ultimately, it just hurt too much. the pit in my stomach where my baby used to be. the complete silence in my body, where my baby used to kick. the stitches across my abdomen to remind me it didn't happen the way i had so hoped. the energy spent convincing myself it didn't matter because he was ok....and trying to convince myself to be grateful for isaac's safety.
yet....i still mourn in the depths of my heart.
i can sit here right now and watch him twitch in his sleep, full from his dinner 30 minutes ago, sleeping soundly and know that he's as precious as i could have hoped. he's more dear to my heart than i could have ever known he'd be. and i trust that God's ways ARE higher than my own, as He faithfully reminded me of just 4 days before this event. but there's a heaviness i cannot shake. and sure, i'm exhausted. and sure, i'm HORMONAL. and sure, i'm transitioning into a role of responsibility that i never could have prepared for. all of these things make for a roller coaster for a week -- but there are deep emotions that cannot be denied in all of this....
it's hard for me to look at images where i'm pregnant.
it's hard for me to even come to this blog b/c of the baby countdown, to remind me again, where isaac is supposed to be.
it's hard to see massive pregnant bellies, and waddling women...because i never got to experience the anticipation of that first contraction, or water breaking, or the drive to the hospital with chad, or the excitement of delivering without the fear and panic mixed in.
i should not even give voice to these feelings.
i should be grateful for all that i have...and all that God has given...and all that i am blessed with.
and i am.
and i do feel as though i am even pressing my luck to have wished for a pregnancy of ease.
i was pregnant. period. how many people would have simply given their right arm to walk a day in my life during those 7.5 mths of pregnancy. i know many many of them. and i feel ashamed for admitting my anguish over a pregnancy cut short.
but i'm just being honest.
He is Good.
i am fallen and wordly and sinful.
what transpired on august 1st was part of His plan for my life from the beginning of time.
and more importantly, also part of His plan, was for Isaac's life to begin that day, as well.
how thankful i am to have been prepared that monday, july 28th.
how faithful is the Lord to acknowledge my pending life-altering ordeal and to reach out to me and remind me of his control.
because He knew it would hurt.
He knew it would break my heart.
He knew it would shatter my plans....
...and it has hurt. so much more than i could have anticipated....