Thursday, April 30, 2009


alllllrighty then.
this week went by ridiculously fast!
i left isaac and jetted off to spend the weekend in LEXINGTON, NC, for an engagement party for parker! it was beautiful and special and i had a wonderful time at their home!

and from these images...i think you can tell they're in love :)

it's going to be a drop dead gorgeous wedding and i can't wait to witness it! thanks for letting me join you in the fun, swann family!!!

i returned late sunday evening and the week has been non-stop ever since! and i'm glad today is overcast and on the chilly side, because i think isaac and i will bundle up in sweats and have a calm day here at the house. we've completely destroyed it this week and it needs some TLC, for sure. daddy's been out and about and hardly here, so i can't blame it on him.

tomorrow is another full day.
i have two back to back appointments with specialists.
i cringe to even detail why i'm heading to the first appt at 8am, because articulating it makes it more real and i've been in a state of denial over it all, really.

i've always had endometriosis and was treated by surgery for it, when i was 18. since then, it never really caused any problems (that i know of). well, ever since isaac was born, my first two (my only two) periods have been excruciating. at around 7mths post-birth, i got my first period and truly felt horrific. it resulted in an 11pm trip to the ER, while visiting my parents in PA. they did all these tests and determined i could be in pain because of the PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) that i suffer with....otherwise...."followup with your regular OB."

you better bet your booty that i made a follow up with them the following week. they told me to take The Pill (up to this point, i had refused based on PRINCIPLE, people) and that would resolve the cramping.

well, i had to wait for my cycle to start before getting on The Pill. my period was 4 weeks late. looooong cycle. but my gosh, when i got was round 2 of the most unbelievable pain. i couldn't take a breath in, because it was hurting so bad. i couldn't sit up to pack my suitcase. (of course it happened while in SC for easter!) that was it. i was upset.

so since then, i've been researching specialists and came across one that is highly recommended and one of the best in the area. i've spent the last 2 weeks compiling my ENTIRE life's worth of OBGYN medical history (it's alot) and am prepared to face a gynocological oncologist tomorrow morning. who knows what he'll say or do, but there's GOT to be something wrong and if so, something he can do to fix me.

pray they take the right path to resolving whatever is going on inside...

then from THERE....i drive to my TMJ/facial pain specialist.
i don't want to get into details ...because i typically start crying when i talk about it this week...but things have taken a horrific turn for the worse. despite the meds they want me to take for nerve pain, i ended up on my knees, begging the surgeon to see me for an emergency appt, on tuesday evening. (which speaks for itself. chad was out of town. isaac would have been forced to go with me.) and i've pretty much been on the brink of tears, for the remainder of the week. it's hard to express what it feels like...but if i didn't know any better, i would firmly believe that lightening bolts from the sky have come down and inflicted me with the most searing, crushing, electric-like pains, like i've never known. it pretty much makes my monthy cramps feel like a walk in the park. i am 15 months into my treatment with this specialist and RESOLUTION IS NOT COMING TO MY PAIN. i need a new system. a new warpath. i don't care what it involves....i cannot live under this sort of ongoing pain. yesterday i was able to drink 8oz of a protein shake...and eat half of a burrito bowl. that's it. sometimes it's hard to remember my to-do list, because the pain is that invasive and consuming. it's starting to impede on every facet of my life and i just feel angry. and extremely upset. not to mention, tired of the financial drain it causes.

:: whew. i only teared up once, during that description. ::

SO, tomorrow is a big day.
not sure how it came to be that both appts fell back-to-back...but there you have it.
i'll update you all tomorrow on what transpires!

sorry if this was a downer post...but i figured i could use the well-wishing and prayers.

...sometimes admitting reality is easier than holding up a fascade.


lucky for me, this is also my reality:

Friday, April 24, 2009

outside longer than inside....

i was pregnant for 34 weeks.

and today, isaac turns 37 weeks old.

he's technically been outside of my belly, longer than he was inside.

and that utterly blows my mind.

(if you think about it, had he been born full-term, he'd still be "inside longer than outside," which is equally incredible. a true reminder as to HOW LONG pregnancy really is. you're pregnant for a lonnnnnng time....)

i cannot believe how much i love him.

when he was 1 week old (still in the NICU), i loved him deeply. i loved him because he was apart of me. because he had been so worried over. because he was HERE. because he was an answer to prayer...

but i quickly learned that love grows in layers.
that was the base layer.

with each week that goes abounds for reasons that were unexpected.
i love the way his face blows up with excitement when i open his car door to let him out of his car seat.

i love the way he paws at his books and squeals.

i love the way he will only fall asleep peacefully on daddy's lap.

i love his newfound independence...the way he plays with his toys and is obsessed with the wheels under the pack and play. even though each week that goes by, brings less and less reliance on me. he'll grow up one day and be completely free of his mommy-dependence one day, right before my very eyes.

each week i learn something more about his personality...about what he likes and hates.
and the love i contain for him at 37 weeks really does blow the love i had for him at week #1, out of the water.

happy 37 weeks, baby boy.


PS: these 37 weeks were wayyy cooler than the first 34 weeks. being inside was no fun for either never hold your early entrance against you. :)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

a kiss and a giveaway....

i went to get him out of his crib and he put his precious little hands on my cheeks and KISSED ME ON THE MOUTH....


i am astounded by it's effect over me. i nearly melted into a puddle all over his nursery room floor!!! my baby kissed me?! preeeeeeeeesh!

he looooooves me?!

it's just sweet to have this little person express affection towards ME after 8+ mths of just smiles, coos, and poopy diapers :)

he'll soooo get away with murder today because he's bewitched me.


in other news!
you may remember that i'm currently disassembling my office, in order to give isaac a play room. and then i decided to clean up my garage/scariest part of this house....and i have some choice objects that i feel other people may want, rather than tossing them in the trash...

if nobody takes the stuff, that's fine! i'll just donate it or toss it. depends on my mood and energy level.

so today's giveaway is 4 curtain panels. these lovelies were in my office and i really liked them. sheer pasley, with natural colors. they're yours if you want 'em! they're from target and here is their photo!

click here for more details regarding the sheer curtains....

that's it for today!
i have to hit the ground running, as the in-laws arrive tonight for a long weekend trip, and i have to pack because i'm headed to NC for an engagement part-ay!!! pray for me -- i'm SCARED OF FLYYYYING!!! :(

have a great day!
off to go beg my baby to kiss me one more time.....

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

desperation breeds ingenuity...?

....or something like that. (i could ramble on for a few more minutes about how that wraps into capitalism and stuff...but one of you would inevitably tell me i got the saying wrong and dispel my entire rant. and that would negate the fact that this post is supposed to be 'on a lighter note' from yesterdays....)

facts are.
i had to make baby food and i BOMBED. (heather, how timely is THIS post?)

so two nights ago i obviously was aware that we were out of baby food but ...well... i dunno. didn't care? i dunno. i guess i assumed isaac would be ok until i went to the store after his morning nap to buy something.

the chomping on air motions that he was doing by 930am, made me realize how wrong i was.
and mama don't go nowhere at 930am, if i can help it.
coffee! sweats! ponytail! no public appearances. no photographs, please.

but he was slamming his hands on his tray in acute attention to my every move. but angelic, no less. like a little bird awaiting breakfast.
bless his heart.

so i decided to whip up some oatmeal. and since i didn't add milk OR sugar to it -- i can't blame him for the OUTRIGHT REJECTION of it. i was only half surprised. i tasted it myself and it may be the number one most UNAPPEALING thing i've ever made.

Mr. Drama, Jr.

ok, ok, so oatmeal isn't cutting it. try again.

so i frantically plugged my laptop in, in my kitchen, threw some puffs on his tray to hold him over and entertain him and googled BABYFOOD!

i found out that babyfood isn't all that complicated.
so i boiled an apple and some plums...and boiled...and boiled...and boiled....
isaac was none too amused.
i mashsed it all up, tasted it, and was quite pleased with my work.

he wasn't impressed in the least.
and frankly, his appetite was so shot, that he fell asleep in his chair.

and we gave up and went to target after naptime and bought the fake stuff.

whats kinda scary is...he cant eat pureed food forever. and he loves applesauce. hates mashed apples? what gives? will babies always be this picky as they transition to 'real' food? hmmm.

and he definitely had payback on me for the rest of the day, teaching me who's boss wherever we ran our errands.

i'll think twice before trying out ingenuity, next time....

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

one day it will all be crystal clear...

I have no idea where I’m headed with this post.
I am staring at my keyboard with a lump in my throat and a heart that weighs a thousand pounds.

Isn’t life funny.
Isn’t prayer confusing.
Isn’t death interesting.

I don’t know what it is…but during this past year…death has abounded. Obviously, death exists everywhere. Did my sense become more heightened to it? Did I open my life up to more of it, because of my google reader? Or does age just bring with it, the realization that life is so fragile and finite.

We all die.
And most deaths aren’t planned or painless.
We know that.

But if that’s so – why is it always so shocking. Why is it always so heartbreaking. Why is it so debilitating. Breathtaking.

There’s nothing profound I can add to the discussion that drenches the internet…as death ripples through countless lives. There are people out there who have lost spouses, lost babies, lost parents, lost hope or will to live beyond these catastrophes.

The reminder is deafening:
We were not meant for this. Our hearts weren’t designed for this. There is no magic equation to complete that will offer us immunity to suffering at this level. The debilitating level.

We were created to live, in perfection, suspended in eternal peace and communion in His presence. The fall irrevocably destroyed all of that. But our hearts, unfortunately, weren’t irrevocably altered to accommodate this ill-fated adjustment.

Our emotional DNA still expects all good earthly things to continue forever. Because that was The Plan. But they cannot. And they will not. And we are daily reminded of our terminal state. And we are crushed all over again, as though it were the first time we tasted loss.

And with each day that goes by, with each loss that is witnessed, with each tear that is shed, this curious and intriguing thing transpires. It starts as a quiet, almost inaudible thought. Another loss, another heartbreak. And it grows a little bit louder. Another loss, another tragedy to survive. And it’s finally an unmistakable notion:

...Lord, please come quickly.

The heart cries out for the circumstances it was intended for, rather than the reality it is surrounded by.

To live IS to love.
To live IS to experience loss.
And all relationships…every single one…ultimately comes to an end, here on this side of eternity.

Some loss seems more tragic than other levels of human loss.
Loss of a young child.
Loss of a young spouse.

But loss is loss.
And we’ll all endure it.
We are only vapors, that are here for a moment and then vanish.

And rather than learning to cope and grapple and explain and beat ourselves into “being ok” with this, we turn our eyes toward the Creator of Life. Our only hope. Our only salvation. We can all try to numb the pain surrounding us, but facts are, we’re all on the Titanic together. We all face the same mortal fate.

I’ve had many discussions with people this week regarding the fragility of life. I recognize my only hope in coping with death (as best as the next person, of course), is anticipating the failure of our imperfect bodies, and understanding and accepting the eternal survival of our souls. It’s not a coping mechanism, it is the sustaining factor of my existence.

My life – the best part of my life – occurs after I take my last breath.

So if I have that to place my faith in – how do people face death without accepting these truths? Without the knowledge that you’ll see Christ, and that you’ll again be united with the loved ones you’ve lost here on earth? Life is more than the sum of all it’s earthly parts. Life is the experience that is supposed to underscore the fact that we are still hungry for more. Infinitely more.

Life and all that it includes is supposed to fall short – and maybe that’s the point.

How can you hunger for safety, if the Titanic isn’t really sinking.

Our agony is meant to assist us in discovering our greatest need of all.

The more our hearts see and feel in this world – the distaste grows stronger. Our hearts grow weary and faint and we just want to go home…

To be absent in the body – is to be present with the Lord.
I think age really causes that truth to mature in our hearts. We grow battle-weary and are scarred by war on this planet.

But here we stay. For now.

And the ‘now’ is where I’ve been meditating this week.
And life is still so, so precious. Friends and family and relationships are exceedingly precious.

And so I pray that I live in the moment.
Hold right to each and every moment. We’re never promised tomorrow.

So it’s a fine balance between loving fiercely and being prepared to eventually let go. It won’t make that temporary separation any less painful when it happens, but recognizing that death is ultimately conquered does absolutely redeem the experience as best as our hearts can understand.

Chad isn’t mine.
Isaac isn’t mine.
Family in the broader sense, isn't mine.
I am just a blessed steward of all that God has loaned to me. For a short time.

My heart is sober -- these reminders surround me. Especially recently.

Life, here, is so hard. So, so hard.


1 Pet 4:
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation....... Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right.

Monday, April 20, 2009

gotta love mondays....

so i recently joined a local moms club and have to admit, i've been really impressed.
last week, i received an email invitation to enter a yahoo group through the club, which has been nice...and then they organized us into weekly local playgroups. and by local...i mean...local. walking distance from my house!

today = first playgroup!
today = pouring rain, no walking anywhere.

so we loaded up the car and headed over there through the torrential downpour and whaddya know! i was on time! aahhh, this must be a good day. despite the rain. so i park in a lot across from the house the playgroup was being held at, and grab my ginormous umbrella and hop out of the car and run around to the other side to grab the diaper bag/purse/baby...

...and despite how hard i continue to tug (in sheer out of body experience denial), it becomes increasingly clear that i've locked my baby, my purse, my phone, my the car. in the rain. as i am heading into a strangers house. for a CHILDRENS PLAYGROUP. where i was going to propose the notion of babysitting co-ops.

as IF anybody is going to let me near their child, now.

i stand there in utter disbelief and stare at isaac through the back window.
and stare.
and stare.

and he stares back.
pulling at his sock.
happily sucking away at his paci.

the house we were meeting at was a good 50 yards away, out of sight from the car.
but if i can't get into the car, i doubt anybody who was going to kidnap him could either.
and so i left him to make an emergency phone call.
from the strangers house.
whom i have yet to meet.

i knock on the door! baby-less! HEY!
"hey! i'm allison! great house! can i come in? and call the police? that would be great. cuz my baby is locked in the car and i swear i'm a good mom and'll see."

i know you wont believe this...but...all the moms commented on how calm i was.
i know.

so i borrowed her phone and:
a) tried calling my husband, who was at home, for the spare car key, which i'm not even sure exists. (note to self.) he was on a conference call and unwilling to switch over to some random local number he's never seen before.

b) called the local police. who, upon hearing that a baby was locked in a car, dispatched somebody immediately.

c) called the local fire department (they're closer), only to get a voice recording, "sorry we're unavailable right now, but if you leave a message...." uhm. how hilarious is that? "oh, hi. my name is allison and i live at XXXXX and my house is burning down, and you see, it would be so thoughtful of you to employ a few more people so that, uhm, you can come out, and you know...stop my house from burning down. call me back! talk soon, toodles." WHAT THE HECK?! (note to self.)

of course the moms started looking at me like i'm slightly off the reservation.
one of them asks, "do you...want to go...stand by the car and see if your baby is ok?"

my hesitation was probably misunderstood.
it is, i may add, DOWNPOURING.
and there is, i may add, NOTHING i can do but stare at him through the window.
and i also should add, that isaac is the only boy in this playgroup. the other babies are all girls. and i truly do think that if my baby were a chic...i'd be all about worrying. but isaac is a dude. and so i instinctually think "eh...he's in heaven. he could care less. i bet he's even sleeping...."

and they realized i was probably not too interested in doing that, so one of them asks, " you want me to go stand by the car to make sure your baby is ok?"

oh great.
the sweet moms now think i'm 100% negligent.

"no, no, that's ok, i'll run over there and check on him."

so i run up to the window and press my face against the wet, tinted glass and yes, just like i imagined, he was fast asleep. until. i bumped the door with my umbrella. and when he saw me, he was none too amused that i was refusing to the open the door and get him out.

see, i was right. i should have never gone to disturb a situation that i cannot rectify!!! it only served to frustrate ME and now frustrate HIM. he squirmed and arched his back and reached for the window. oh dear. don't cry. DONT CRY....

i run away.
and pace.
and call chad again. he answers! he laughs at me. (he's darn thankful that i did it and not him. because God knows how LESS humerous this would all be, if he were the guilty party. i'm gracious like that. wink.)

oddly enough, the police beat him here.
they probably wonder about my motherly capabilities, but never say anything. literally.

so needless to say, it took three of us, wedging the door open, setting off car alarms (good to know!), waking isaac up, and breaking into my car -- to save the entire ordeal. as i was perfusely thanking them for rushing over, one of the police yells over his shoulder, "just remember this the next time you want to hate us for handing out parking violations. we do good things, too."

he must be a mindreader because up until this morning i was a full-on cop hater. (not you, ryan, you're a good cop.) of course it has something to do with those 6 points i was just slapped with and that whole fun day in court with more questionable criminals than myself, and that darling letter from the district about revoking licenses and stuff like that....

ok, so it was a little moment of cop redemption.

isaac looked thoroughly confused.
i was horribly soaked.

so i walked through the door with isaac and started all over again.
"hey everybody, my name is allison and THIS is isaac and we'd like you to forget about this entire ordeal...because we're normal, i swear and this has neeeever happened before...."

it was only when i told them that i had just recently been given the responsibility of setting up the babysitting co-ops, that i think i lost 'em.


sometimes monday just stink.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Middle-Age University

ok, well, i'm 29.
i hope that doesn't quite qualify for middle-aged, but whatever.
i turn 30 in 4-ish months and therefore, i'm facing more of more of my mortality. (whatever. you know what i mean. i'll go ahead and steal the 'quarter-life crisis' title from those spunky little 25-year olds. there! 30 is my quarter-life. i'll outlive you all. even though you are thankful you did not know me when i was 25. crisis is putting it lightly. iraq, anybody? yea, no thanks.)

with all of that said, i have a renewed drive to learn.

as weird as that sounds, maybe i'm being inspired by my 8mth old?

i look at him and am so impressed by his curiosity, and his rapid-fire learning skills. the curve is steep and i'm sorta jealous.

chad and i were discussing this, and i feel it's so interesting that we, as parents, OR we, as children placed and have been placed upon -- certain expectations for 'learning.' we gear our kids up at the unbelievable age of SIX MONTHS, with music classes, jungle gyms, einstein toys and pre-school fairs. we push push push PUSH them through college....and then....wheeeeeeeeee!.....they're done. i'm done. no more learning. let's coast for life on that communications degree because that's clearly all i will ever need to sustain me forever and ever, amen.

why do we stop expecting more of ourselves.
now, before i GET TOOOOOOO deep here, i wanted to forewarn you that, no, i am not going to grad school. i am not enlisting in anything like that....

rather, i do the quick, painless internet learning that most people my age rely on:

how i love thee, wiki.
i have somehow become a wiki-addict and while i AM SO BEHIND, HERE (it's been around FOOOREVER), i have recently gotten into a very bad habit of wiki-ing eeeeverything. for fun.

for the first time in a long time...i have a desire to learn about things NOT related to forced issues. like. fertility. ovulation. PCOS. NICU. TMJ. (tha'ts alotta acronyms, peeps.) bradycardia. developmental milestones. blah blah BLAH.

i wanna learn about stuff because i WANT TO, not because my life steered me in that direction.

i have somehow wik'd topics such as:
mozart, beethoven, bach (did you know that all of them only lived to be in their 30's? that's a harsh quarterlife situation, faced at 8years old.)
tiger woods
the food triangle
FOX news
(and yes, for the record, FOX really is the #1 news network and yes, CNN really is #3. ha. funny how DESPITE your political leanings, people just don't like it when an anchor yells at a man, holding a 2 year old son.***
or when you use pathetic and downright dirty sexual innuendos***to discuss an american group enjoying their freedom of speech:
go wiki, 'tea-bagging'......grow up CNN. you'll be bankrupt this time next year. just like NYTimes. just like Boston Globe. just like all the other ridiculous news sources out there....)

ALL of this to is just a first step. i have a whole slew of books i'd love to read...and i feel this renewed desire to learn about American history. and world history. and how we can to be and what part of this year -- as we live it -- will go down in the history books, for people to read in 100 years.

who knows. maybe this all stems from spending my days with an 8mth old and recognizing a need for something to sink my teeth into. curious george just ain't cutting it.

but i'm excited.
and i want to hurt people, who in the last week, have gone on and on about how insufficient wikipedia is. WHO CARES. when i have 2.5 minutes to scope around about a topic, it fits the bill JUST FINE and intrigues me JUST ENOUGH to want to dig around and learn more!

my brain, at one point, was 8mths old....and alot of people placed expectations upon it, challenged it, prodded it, and filled it with good information. and the brain is still in there....and it still needs to be prodded and given good 411.

so what!
i'm 29!
and i still have so much to learn and the thirst for it is full drive!

*** click on the purple text, people. they're called links to the newsclips. since a few of you have told me you're confused.***

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

it is finished.

the final tax return package was just sent out in the mail.
we're done.
2008 is FINALLY a closed door, financially.

it would have all been squared away yesterday (oh! and that would have made me feel as though we completed things early! high fives....) but: newsflash, virginia state taxes get sent to a PO Box. and hello, fedex doesn't DELIVER to PO Boxes. well, isn't THAT fun news. dontcha kinda feel bad for all those Johny-Come-Latelys who saunter up to the fedex counter tonight only to learn of this devastating news?

tsk tsk tsk.
they should have mailed theirs in with more NOTICE.
you know. like. YESTERDAY.
cuz that's really safe and would NEVER cause a headache-heart-attack-stress-filled week, or anything.

and just when i think i'm getting super proficient in organizing all of our tax accountant without fail, rakes me over the coals and spits on my work and laughs in my face. no offense to anybody, but she's from jersey and it comes through the phone. and i love people from jersey. but they have their ways of saying things that are sharp and her smirk oozes through to my ear. i'm certain i deserved it, as BUSINESS was not something i studied in college. (well, that's not true. i minored in Business, well, until i took statistics and found myself relying on the study notes from my boyfriend. probably not a good idea, given it took him 7 years to graduate. not for nuthin,' but, alls i'm tryin' to say iz....numbers ain't my forte. how's that for jersey rubbing off on me.)
that's why I PAY PEOPLE to get all self-righteous on me, and DO IT FOR ME.
i could do without the self-righteous-nessy-ness.

but, it's finito.
it makes me happy in a way that makes me want to jump around and tear up random important receipts on my desk in an act of rebellion, for no reason, and throw the confetti out the window, while somehow stickin' it to the man.

"but are the man."
(please tell me you've seen that hysterical commercial....?)


in other news.
:: staring at fingers and dirty keyboard ::
i got nuthin.
i got hunger.
and i got 4 loads of laundry to wash/fold/put away.
and i got a kid that has just learned that he can scream and throw stuff off his high chair.
and who can now intentionally eject food from his mouth.
isn't that sweet?

let's just say that i prayed for his salvation this morning.
and i prayed that it would happen at a very, very, verrrrrrry early age.....


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Isaac's 1st Easter!

we survived 24 hours in a car = roundtrip!
granted, it involved numerous stops, dancing in the back seat, countless cheerios, illegal diaper changes, and hours of singing....but we made it! i think i'll do some things a little differently next time, but it was neat to see isaac in all these new environments!

Easter was fabulous. i mean, truly, what is death for my sins, without the miraculous and undeniable resurrection of Jesus, to secure my salvation for eternity! HALLELUJAH! it's utterly mindblowing to meditate upon and SUCH a gift to me. i am so undeserving of a Savior - yet He gave Himself to me! PRAISES UPON PRAISES!!!

it was also a wonderful time with the inlaws, and chad's aunt, who's never met isaac yet! actually, this trip was FULL of first-time EVER events for isaac. (sorry, this always somehow becomes about isaac....)

for instance, this was his FIRST EASTER EGG HUNT! :)

and his first EASTER MORNING! "Christ is RISEN!" (that's what isaac is declaring below...)

and my first EASTER EGG BASKET :) ....i had to. my own mother shamed me into it... and it was adorable! thanks, Totes!!

and isaac's FIRST TIME SWIMMING! he wasn't quite so sure how he felt about it, but we soon figured out he HATES direct sunlight in his eyes. if it's too sunny, he cries. so we had to keep him in the shade (brrr!) because the sunglasses were even LESS of a hit than the sun was :)

yes. that's him yawning. YAWNING! he was probably tired from all the WORK it took to get him into the pool. that freaking blow up tube took over an HOUR to inflate (WITH A PUMP!?) and then he had to get into his swimmy diaper, his 70+ SPF, and drag all his toys down there. and he YAWNED?!

and then there was isaac's FIRST TIME GOLFING!!!
how precious is this picture, i love it! taking lessons from daddy!

oooooor....reading a book to fill his time....

and isaac's FIRST TIME IN A GOLF CART!...heading to the "mid-way house" for coffee and muffins! yes, i'm fresh out of bed....

isaac's FIRST TIME TO TOUCH GRASS!!! he loooooved it! well, it was love/hate. but he was quite intrigued! this was our first pit-stop on the way down. taco bell of course. a little break from the carseat. just what the doctor ordered!

and then there was isaac's FIRST HAIRCUT!!!!
it lasted 2 seconds and .....

what a brat. but it's done!

at the end of the day, it was nothing short of theraputic! sleeping in! swimming! warmth! family! food! FOOD! fooooood! celebrating the crux of my faith! i wish we could do that more often....but it's back to the grind, today. lots of unpacking and lots of reality. off to the oral surgeon tonight for (probably) some bad news. boo. not a welcome part of my life, but i will not allow it to ruin my post-vacation glow....

and if 16 photos doesn't suffice, here are all 200!!!

i hope everybody has a great day!
isn't it weird that it's tuesday? i'll be so confused about what day it is, for the rest of the week, i'm sure!

Saturday, April 11, 2009


ok, folks.

i'm on my first "vacation" since my kid came into this world. of course he's with us, but so are a set of grandparents, so i've been able to sleep in, and go out to eat, and enjoy some downtime.

aaaah, the glorious-ness of it all.

and then we drive 12 hours back to DC on monday.
and go straight to vienna, va.
to meet.
with our.
to sign off.
on our.

and i have a miraculous story about that when i have some more time....

rejoice in the knowledge that He is risen......

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

not "average"

ok, so...i've been a bit MIA lately because i have been given the distinct honor of compiling our "tax notebook" for our accountants. who. currently. hate. me.

my line of sight for the last 48 hours:

please take special note of the inhaler in the left corner. hyperventilation happens regularly during this annual event....

i cannot even believe i'm blogging right now.

but i cannot imagine passing up this opportunity to express the overflow of my heart, right now.

i am not an optimistic person. i dont say that in a bad way. i'm just not normally a optimist. i'm a realist. i've lived through some "realistic" (READ: BAD) situations in my life. i hedge myself. i do not take risk. i try to control ALL variables in my life.

my husband is the EXACT opposite. happy go lucky. feels completely secure with his "odds" in life and sleeps very well, without a stress in the world.

with that said....this past year has been somewhat bumpy.

as i dig up old receipts, annual statements, necessary "evidence" for our accountants....what a year 2008 has been. this week has certainly been a trip down memory lane.

much of which, i stressed BIG TIME over.
much of which, my husband handled with incredible grace and faith.

each day brings so much that we cannot understand until it transpires.
we obviously acquired alot this year. things we EXPECTED to acquire:

and that about maxed out our finances.

but there was no way to anticipate how many medical expenses i would accumulate.
i tried to not watch the tally add up.
i tried to not find myself crushed under the weight of it all.

i learned last month that we could WRITE OFF all medical.
well, that was a lie.
we can only write off anything ABOVE 7.5% of our annual gross income.
when i called the accountant, he assured us that "that is not possible. nobody exceeds 7.5% of their income."

after doing all the can rest assured that we FAR exceeded that amount. FAR.

yes, you read correctly.
we've spent $21,315.32 in UNEXPECTED out of pocket MEDICAL expenses.

that could be financially devastating.
(and no, this does NOT include our medical bills from RUDY!!! har.)

my accountant raised his eyebrows and, goes, " wow."

out of pocket.

.....or, so i thought.

God is so good and His provisions are beyond our wildest expectations.

i brought the number to chad, who had no clue it had accumulated to that amount and my eyes welled up with tears. i felt such guilt that MY physical shortcomings have accounted for a majority of these bills. the remainder was the NICU bills. i think chad actually accounted for MAYBE $200 of the entire amount.

isaac + allison = financial commitment.

chad looked at me and said, "we REALLY spent $21K on MEDICAL?"

i shook my head.

his response, " Praise God. He paid for every cent."

i had emotional whiplash.
here i had been mourning all that we could have done with that money.
and here my husband was thanking God for his provision of the money, period.
his money.

it wasn't money isaac earned.
it wasn't money i had earned.
chad has done all the work for it (through God's strength) and i had drained it....

and he was thankful.

i think back to all of the unhealthy relationship i have been in...and the people i could have potentially married...and i know that none of them could have provided for me the way chad does. and i'm not even talking about the money.

he is the soft place i land, emotionally. every time. never skips a beat.
his heart desires to simply take care of us...and he so does.

but more than that -- GOD provided for every cent of that. sure, we have debt....but i can say that not one cent of those medical expenses were paid for with credit or borrowed money.

His mercies were new EVERY day. even when i couldn't have forseen how i would have handled it.

i am so blessed to have Christ.
He owns the cattle on one thousand hills.
He is pleased to provide for our every need.
remember this?

so while this entire week could have been seen as shocking (INHALER! please) to me....
it seems i'm the only one shocked.

....why don't i have faith more often....

Christ continues to humble me....and so does he:


pray for us because we're prayerfully considering a rather LARGE investment for 2009....and i look forward to sharing that with you in the days to come! :)

Monday, April 6, 2009

time is starting to flyyyyyyy....


and our house is starting to look more and more like a house i swore i'd never have.
the baby junk is eeeeeverywhere!
and even when i clean it up and hide as much as possible, my friends come over and mock my efforts and point/laugh/make fun of how much crap covers everything :) who cares. he's worth it.

he's on the MOVE! he used to stay on his little spongy mat, but not anymore!
he wants to explore and get into stuff.
last night we had to MOVE his crib away from the wall because he's figured out how to PULL the mini blinds on his window, INTO his bed. and play with them. all night. mini blinds are LOUD, thankfully. so he was caught pretty soon....

look at that focus!

he also has a penchant for falling asleep in various places....
this was after a nebulizer session!

this was after i fed him, left the room to take a phone call, and returned to see this!
(yes, his tray was on...but even when i removed the tray, he still never woke up!



look at that PRECIOUS smirk....

we waited in line for a LONNNNNG time to see the bunny.....

but then we had TACO BELL!!!!

"daddy, your face is so scruffy!!!"
(he does this thing now where he loves to examine faces...mouths....noses....glasses....)

that was fun enough....narcoleptic episode about to hit.....

NEVER GOT PIC OF BUNNY bc i was working so hard to make him smile, all while trying to hide my psychosis about all the germs that must be on the bunny's fur. ew. but we bought some prints. too bad you prob wont see it!! :(

here's to the best 8 months of my life.
8 months of pure love.
8 months of self-denial. :)
8 months of my heart expanding...and stretching ....and exponentially increasing in size, with every day i get to know him more.

i love you isaac!!!!