mish-mash

alllllrighty then.
this week went by ridiculously fast!
i left isaac and jetted off to spend the weekend in LEXINGTON, NC, for an engagement party for parker! it was beautiful and special and i had a wonderful time at their home!

and from these images...i think you can tell they're in love :)


















it's going to be a drop dead gorgeous wedding and i can't wait to witness it! thanks for letting me join you in the fun, swann family!!!

i returned late sunday evening and the week has been non-stop ever since! and i'm glad today is overcast and on the chilly side, because i think isaac and i will bundle up in sweats and have a calm day here at the house. we've completely destroyed it this week and it needs some TLC, for sure. daddy's been out and about and hardly here, so i can't blame it on him.

tomorrow is another full day.
i have two back to back appointments with specialists.
i cringe to even detail why i'm heading to the first appt at 8am, because articulating it makes it more real and i've been in a state of denial over it all, really.

i've always had endometriosis and was treated by surgery for it, when i was 18. since then, it never really caused any problems (that i know of). well, ever since isaac was born, my first two (my only two) periods have been excruciating. at around 7mths post-birth, i got my first period and truly felt horrific. it resulted in an 11pm trip to the ER, while visiting my parents in PA. they did all these tests and determined i could be in pain because of the PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) that i suffer with....otherwise...."followup with your regular OB."

you better bet your booty that i made a follow up with them the following week. they told me to take The Pill (up to this point, i had refused based on PRINCIPLE, people) and that would resolve the cramping.

well, i had to wait for my cycle to start before getting on The Pill. my period was 4 weeks late. looooong cycle. but my gosh, when i got it...it was round 2 of the most unbelievable pain. i couldn't take a breath in, because it was hurting so bad. i couldn't sit up to pack my suitcase. (of course it happened while in SC for easter!) that was it. i was upset.

so since then, i've been researching specialists and came across one that is highly recommended and one of the best in the area. i've spent the last 2 weeks compiling my ENTIRE life's worth of OBGYN medical history (it's alot) and am prepared to face a gynocological oncologist tomorrow morning. who knows what he'll say or do, but there's GOT to be something wrong and if so, something he can do to fix me.

pray they take the right path to resolving whatever is going on inside...

then from THERE....i drive to my TMJ/facial pain specialist.
i don't want to get into details ...because i typically start crying when i talk about it this week...but things have taken a horrific turn for the worse. despite the meds they want me to take for nerve pain, i ended up on my knees, begging the surgeon to see me for an emergency appt, on tuesday evening. (which speaks for itself. chad was out of town. isaac would have been forced to go with me.) and i've pretty much been on the brink of tears, for the remainder of the week. it's hard to express what it feels like...but if i didn't know any better, i would firmly believe that lightening bolts from the sky have come down and inflicted me with the most searing, crushing, electric-like pains, like i've never known. it pretty much makes my monthy cramps feel like a walk in the park. i am 15 months into my treatment with this specialist and RESOLUTION IS NOT COMING TO MY PAIN. i need a new system. a new warpath. i don't care what it involves....i cannot live under this sort of ongoing pain. yesterday i was able to drink 8oz of a protein shake...and eat half of a burrito bowl. that's it. sometimes it's hard to remember my to-do list, because the pain is that invasive and consuming. it's starting to impede on every facet of my life and i just feel angry. and extremely upset. not to mention, tired of the financial drain it causes.

:: whew. i only teared up once, during that description. ::

SO, tomorrow is a big day.
not sure how it came to be that both appts fell back-to-back...but there you have it.
i'll update you all tomorrow on what transpires!

sorry if this was a downer post...but i figured i could use the well-wishing and prayers.

...sometimes admitting reality is easier than holding up a fascade.

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lucky for me, this is also my reality: