Monday, January 28, 2008

The Tree

hi everybody!
as i dig myself out of the deepest of holes regarding photography, clients, bookings, editing.....i'll update you a little bit if i can! my computer is processing some images while i talk....so it gives me time to feel like i'm working, when really i'm not :)

i'm sorry for SUCH a lapse between posts!
january has been exciting, terrifying, relaxing, busy, and warp speed.

i dont really remember where i left off when i blogged last, but i'm sure it was coming up on my in-law's trip to DC! chad's parents came and spent almost a week with us and really assisted in our HOUSE SEARCH! we probably had appts with every home for sale in the DC/VA area!!! i slept for 24 hours after they left!! and fortunately, they helped us PICK ONE!

with that said, it's been crazy trying to figure out the market, the bank's mortgage rates, our timeline....and when we wanted to make an offer. essentially -- we're faxing in our offer THIS AFTERNOON!!! so it's been a little hectic and non-stop!!

it's also been HELL ON EARTH at the dentist.
and it's really far too long and in depth to discuss why...but just know...it's left me pretty frustrated and pretty angry...and pretty READY FOR IT TO BE OVER!
today, my appt included "filing" my molars down to correct my imbalanced bite.
WITHOUT NOVACAINE.
it took an hour and i was virtually in tears by the time he was done....
the dentist and i exchanged some headed words....
and then he charged me $800....even though i wish all my dental bills were only $800.
i just wasn't expecting it this morning.
NEVER IN MY LIFE DO I WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN.
i'd rather have ROOT CANALS with NOVACAINE than filing my teeth with NOTHING.....
holy CRAPPOLA.....
it's left me in a pretty foul mood today.

so that's the status of the PRACTICAL points of my life.
i HONESTLY feel like christmas was still only a few days ago....but no. it's about to february.
INSANE!

as for how i'm doing emotionally....this month has been a stretch for me.
i simply don't and never will know the future. stop laughing. this has been pretty deep for me.
WHY does that have to be so hard for me. you'd think by the time i'm 28, i'd have accepted it. even found a way to be thankful for it....but no....the unknown steals my joy and robs me completely of my faith....

last week at bible study....a friend mentioned that "our need for knowledge" is traced all the way back to Eve. the Tree of Knowledge. that blew me away.

she couldn't just be happy enough KNOWING and BELIEVING that God was her protector and provider, she needed to be MORE informed than God had allowed.
"there's stuff i still don't know.....how can i NOT know......KNOWING won't hurt me.....it will actually MAKE ME SMARTER.....so i will eat of the tree...."

i'm learning (what's new) that....persisting that i KNOW the outcome before celebrating in Him....is sin. the demand for knowledge is wrong...and the fact that i'll never attain it all is simply undeniable.

i don't know where my photography biz is going....and i don't know what's gonna happen with this house....there are no guarantees exactly on when my family will expand....i don't know ANYTHING about tomorrow. i can't. i never will. the "what ifs" are so consuming and debilitating at times.....the financial what if's.....the employment what if's.....the LIFE WHAT IF's.....

i got choked up last night in church...as we sang this one specific song....and i can't even remember exactly why. but the gist was -- one day none of these things will matter.

none of them.
it seems at times, inconceivable, that...all the weight of this world that we take on....will be lifted. it just seemed so real last night...a reminder that our pain, be it: physical, emotional, spiritual...will all be done away with for eternity. i feel like last night, was the first time i really YEARNED for that divine relief.

we will no longer be weighed down by our prayers for saving grace.
we will no longer be distracted by our deep desires, perplexed by our earthly situations, tethered to our human need for more...

can you even imagine?
not only will there be complete ABSENCE of "what ifs....how can i....i don't know....God help me...i can't do this...."
but there will be eternal abundance of all things FULFILLING and complete and perfect.

that's my inheritance.
that's my future.

Lord help me to RELEASE the habit of holding my breath UNTIL it's safe. help me release the need to understand the mysterious equations of life. help me KNOW that your ways are perfect and your grace is enough for the 'unknown' scenarios that haunt my mind. and remind me, if those haunting scenarios -- though many are figments of my fallen imagination -- ever do come to fruition, they'll do so, under your watch in the palm of your hand.....

....help me to exhale.....

****************************

Hark, I hear the harps eternal,
ringing on the farther shore,
as I near those swollen waters,
with their deep and solemn roar.

And my soul, stained with sorrow,
fading as the light of day,
passes swiftly o'er those waters,
to that city far away.

Some have crossed before us safely,
to that land of perfect rest.
Can you hear them singing faintly
in the mansions of the blessed?

Mighty Jesus, bear us over,
there to kneel before Thy throne.
May we join Thy saints forever,
praising Thee, and Thee alone.

Hallelujah, Hallalujah
Hallelujah, Praise the Lamb.
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Glory to the great I AM.

6 comments:

Chrissy said...

wow. i never thought about it going all the way back to eve. but, your thought process really makes sense to me.............

and i've often thought of the fact that ONE day......all will be at peace. my mind....the stresses/chaos/fears/pains will all be.....g.o.n.e. when i'm stressing BIG TIME about ANYTHING, i attempt to sit back and ponder that. what a peace that comes over you!

love this.
and you.

Mom said...

Allison i have never thought about our need to KNOW everything NOW going all the way back to eve either, but wow, thats exactly what she did and we are following her patterns. hmm honey i will PRAY with you that you learn to exhale before you know how each circumstance will end. What a beautiful relief that will be for you. Beautiful song at the end. Thanks for posting. I love you.

Katie (baby4ztarx3) said...

Allison, I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers more than you know. I know we have never met, but I feel a bond with you having walked down a similar path during my journey.

meet joelle said...

hey al, momentarily in from pittsburgh....i hate the fact that you have felt all of this while we have been unable to connect. we have both missed so much in one another's lives lately! know that i am thinking and loving you even when i am silent. you are always an inspiration in how to grow daily in faith and in life.
praying for you

ckuretich said...

I have a confession. you posted this while i was in california, and while typically i sit down and give my complete and undivided attention to practically every WORD of your posts (literally) - this one i wasn't ready to read yet. i don't know why. i just kept forgetting to go back and focus on it.

but tonight. tonight i sit here, in this hotel room awaiting some HUGE news - and this post is ideal. it rings so true to what is pulsing through my heart and my veins tonight. the NEED to know. and yet the frustration of not knowing. and also, like you said - the CONSTANT fear of celebrating too early, relaxing and then getting blind-sided. i don't know why that happens, but this has helped me to see that.

glenna said...

Waaahhh....you have left us hanging! Again. Boo on you. ;)

I miss you. Come back.

Thanks for your comment on my other site. I am SO excited about the future.