28 days in a cycle (harty-har-har-har)
28 dominos in a full set
28 is the number of years it takes Saturn to revolve around the sun
28 is the normal number of teeth a human has (not counting molars)
28 is the number of years i've lived...
and 28 months ago today, i got married to the best thing that ever happened to me :)
i'm going to say something that may shock you....something that is not going to line up AT ALL with any of my previous emotional freak session posts in this blog. something that even scares me from time to time:
because of chad -- i want to have children, but,
but, because of chad -- i want to wait as long as possible before i have children.
yes, there is a corner of my heart that loves living life -- just the two of us.
i find it shocking that anybody would want to bind their life to mine forever...but if you know chad...you can see why it'd be so easy to want to sell your soul to commit to him forever.
there's never even been one day in the past 2.4 years that i've wanted out. regretted my decision. wished the time away. second-guessed myself. or taken for granted exactly what it is that i have.
i have no idea why he loves me. i'm neurotic, emotional, high-strung, opinionated, selfish, stubborn as an ox, demanding, and dramatic, to name a few. chad is the exact opposite of all my traits.
did you know i thought i'd potentially never have kids? by choice. i thought that sure, maybe in my 30's i'd pop a few out, but it was not my life's loftiest goal, nor was it something my heart desired. i especially never wanted kids...like me. God help us all. i couldn't even muster one day of babysitting. i'd stare at this 3 year old and wonder, "what the heck should i even say to you. how many times can we possibly dress barbie up. didn't you JUST EAT already? how bout you just go play quietly in your sandbox so i can watch tv."
i'd watch these unfortunate young mothers and feel such pity. the vomit, the diapers, the early mornings, the obnoxiously colored, disgusting plastic toys with slobber all over them on the living room floors. the jars of baby food, the midnight feedings, the ugly car seats, the weight gain, EVERYTHING ABOUT IT confused and baffled me. HOW COULD ANYBODY be THAT EXCITED to take on a new life like THAT. shudder.
and then i met chad.
and realized i still don't want children.
but simply put, i wholly and desperately want chad's children.
i want a child with his eyes...and his blonde hair...and his disposition.
i want another girl out there one day to be as lucky as i was, and to marry a man who inherited chad's good heart. to enjoy for a lifetime an extension of chad.
i want chad to fully know and experience having a child love him with the same unlimited and overwhelming love by which he loves others...me...
i want a child built 99% by chad...and 1% by me.
chad alone has made me want to be a mother....
yet, there are snapshots of fond moments in my memory which chad and i will struggle to find again, once a baby enters the picture.
no more taking off to NYC for random marathons and weekend retreats with friends.
no more starbucks in bed on saturday mid-mornings...
no more reading in bed until 1am...and dozing off...and waking up uninterrupted whenever i please.
no more last minute dinners out...
life in general will evolve into something a little more structured. maybe a little less whimsical. maybe a little less "chad+allison"-centric.
and that terrifies me.
but i'm sure it's based out of the same fears that i experienced when i was first engaged.
i remember my mom and i driving around town in her car and actually SPEAKING the words, "i'm terrified of marriage because i will have somebody watching every minute of my life...and because i like sleeping in on saturdays and...i don't want somebody to make me feel guilty for it. i'm terrified of answering to somebody ALL the time. i'm terrified of losing my right to do whatever i want....i'm terrified of having somebody asking me questions."
and my roommates will tell you -- i'd vanish sometimes. just with the need to drive. be alone. hear myself THINK. run errands...get coffee...journal...be free. i was extremely protective of personal time and i recognized that would be a thing of the past one i got married.
do i miss it?
not for one second.
what i didn't realize is that though it's a loss of individuality to SOME degree, i had traded it all in for something bigger...and better...and something fully more satisfying than my 8 hours a week where nobody knew where i'd be and i'd turn my phone off.
and so i'm sure the same will hold true for a new addition to our family, whenever God deems us ready.
but eeeevery so often, in the darkest and most private parts of my psyche...i can sense a fleeting thought of gratitude that i'm not quite there yet, wiping snotty noses and dealing with terrible twos and stressing over babies with fevers...though, it's short-lived. i slap my mental wrist for thinking it, after all the money we're spending to achieve the opposite. but i simply can't help but want to steal every last second i can with chad...searing these moments into my memory forever...
it's just us right now...
for 28 months now...
...and my heart overflows...
happy 28th month, puffy.
IN OTHER NEWS.
::: rubbing bleary and glazed-over eyes :::
we, my friends, are GOING TO NEW YORK TOMORROW!!!!
the one and only had decided to intentionally destroy his knees forever and run 26 miles for no good reason. or at least i could find no good reason when asking myself if i'd ever run a marathon. BUT, he enjoys it and LOVES new york and well, we'll have a blast!!!
we've secured a room at the WESTIN (our fave) right on 43rd in TIMES SQUARE :)
i have NEVER stayed in NYC in my entire life. i am about to crawl out of my SKIN i am so excited!!!!
we're staying HERE:
when we arrive in NYC tomorrow morning...we've gotta head over to....some important place i'm sure....to register superman for the marathon and get his little shoe-chip device which will enable me to track where he is on the course. THEN we are meeting up with chrissy and jay for dinner and after puff goes to bed in his heavenly westin bed -- i'm hitting the town with the kids. :)
sunday is sorta very disorderly in my head right now.
i have no agenda. i have no idea how i'll find chad during the race. i do not get nyc. i feel overwhelmed and insecure...and lost when i think about it. BUT that is another GREAT REASON to have chrissy tag along for the day. we'll tackle it together and she'll keep me from wandering over to the bronx by accident. or. something.
then we're meeting up with some of chad's westmont alumni friends who work in finance in NYC. chad will drool and swoon and savor each word they speak....while....limping around the night of the marathon with two broken legs. it'll be swell.
on MONDAY...we're going to the new york stock exchange because he wants to. i think it'll be a fun learning experience. a few snapshots in front of the wall street bull...and the rest of the day will be spend on 5th avenue. :) not like i'd buy anything other than what i find being sold by street vendors, but....it'll just be a fun day for us.
we collapse in our own DC bed on monday night.
here's the course: you have to click on it to blow it up and fully see it. terrifying.
and here are the psychos that i could never ever be even if i sorta, vaguely wanted to:
so there ya have it!
quite the break from a normal weekend, shooting weddings and cleaning the house! (who am i kidding...i haven't cleaned the house in 2 mths.)
if anybody is interested, i can text you chad's chip number and you can receive updates every 5 minutes on how many miles per hour he is running and when he passes the major mile milestones: 5mi., 10mi., 15mi., etc...and the update on when he finishes and what his final time was!!!!
just send me your cell numbers or tell me you care.....and you can keep up!!!!
it's a great way to end one of the crappiest weeks ever....and for that....i am incredibly thankful.