yeah...so...

i've had an epiphany.
i came really close to being pregnant.
i was even a little bit pregnant for a few days.
and i woke up on sunday....utterly and unmistakenly....terrified.

very jarred.
very aware of how close i came to my life changing forever.

(sure...maybe it was the baby shower i went to on saturday where the mother-to-be had ice on her wrists from pregnancy-induced carpel tunnel...and ok...maybe it was due in part to sleeping on julie's couch when her precious baby -- who is truly ADORABLE -- cried at midnight...cried at 3am....and then he proceeded to wake her up at 530am for the day....and she camped out with him in her office trying to stay quiet so the rest of us could 'sleep.' i'm sorry but that would be a wicked change of pace around the morgan motel.)

and as chad and i were eating lunch sunday afternoon, i looked across the room at him and heard myself proclaim, "i need a break...i need to take a break...i need an emotional break...i need a health break...i need some sanity relief...i need to get my life IN ORDER...i need to CHANGE some things in my life...i need to be more ready for the day it actually...does...happen...."

i thought he was going to fall over.
oh wait.
he did fall over.
i was a smidge disturbed by his elation...as if to suggest he had been secretly HATING the idea that we've been trying so hard...but i was capable of recognizing it was simply his relief that maybe he'd get his wife back...for now. a little reprieve from the daily hell of rants, tears, depression, tunnel vision, ....you name it. he needs just as much of a break as i do. thing is - men know better than to suggest a break...

(...sorry, mom...this is gonna postpone the whole gramma stage for ya-as if i've had any control-but we'll be back in the saddle one day...)

i know. i can't believe it either.
i go away for one weekend and i'm instantly unrecognizable.

yet.
i feel SO inspired.
like...my life has snapped COMPLETELY into focus and i wake up with a new purpose.
a purpose which DOES NOT include blood tests, vaggiecams, train tickets to the clinic, and words like: E2, progesterone, chemical, gonal-f, follicular development, 'coasting,' cysts, and myriad of other things i can recite in my sleep in painful detail.

what REALLY made things clear, weirdly enough, was....my health.
i've just....been....plain ole....negligent about myself.
i am not healthy. nor am i the domestic caretaker i ever expected i'd become.
i really feel disappointed in myself all of the sudden and have been simply put...irresponsible with everything relating to "taking care of biz" on the homefront.
my house is SO unorganized.
my kitchen.
my week.
my life.
and i've HAD IT.

also....this is going to sound INSANE....but....my teeth.
if ANY of you know me....i have some SEEEERIOUS teeth issues.
when i was younger, and poorer....and too intelligent to listen to the orthodontists....i would grind my teeth in my sleep and throw caution to wind when they'd advise me that i need a night guard to protect myself from breaking all my teeth.
so what did i go and do?
broke all my teeth.
my teeth hurt so bad.
all the time.

it started 5 years ago with my first molar extraction due to the tooth being LITERALLY split down the middle from all the blunt force. then 4 root canals to repair cracks in my teeth. then another extraction last month on another molar....oh wait...i forgot a 5th root canal in there along the way.....and needless to say....i still have a WAYS to go. i'm in alot BETTER condition than i was....say....5 years ago. but, have MONTHS AND MONTHS and THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS of dollars of repairs to make....and you can't do ANY OF IT if you're pregnant. no laughing gas. no IV sedation. no nuthin.'

it'll never be a better time than NOW to take care of it all FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL.
i've put it off long enough ....chosen denial rather than....GETTING ON WITH IT ALREADY.
i was telling my dentist today that i haven't eaten cereal in 5 years.
it's too crunchy.
it hurts my back teeth too much.
it's just time to close the "mouth" chapter of my life....because FREAK THINGS can happen....like being stuck at the dentist today for 4 hours. HOW THE HECK would i DO THIS if i had a NEWBORN!? like....in the CITY? without any FAMILY? the stress of THINKING about it was enough to make me just NEED to get it over with now.

our car situation is another.
we have too many cars.
2 of the 3 would be completely unsuitable for a car seat or peace of mind with a baby.
so, this past weekend, we sold one.
and we have a very prospective buyer for the other.
done.
and.
done.
but we need to find a replacement for the 2 we're losing....and work needs to be done and alot of things need to be considered.

all to say:
we're movin' our booties into gear.
i spent 10 hours yesterday cleaning out "the closet" and gave away 4 MASSIVE trash bags of clothes. 20+ pairs of shoes. did some organizing in the office and already feel like a new person.
since we'll be staying put for a while in this house....we're turning it upsidedown. cleaning it OUT. getting organized. making it livable for us....for however an extended time.
i have actually moved forward with the oral surgery (i need 2 implants to replace the molars i have lost) and the first (of 4) legs of the surgeries is this thursday. i'm doing it. i'm actually doing it. i also spent 4 hours at the dentist today having him explain the new and improved mouth guard i need...and he reshaped a few teeth (OUCH...w/o NOVACAINE) in order to re-align my bite. hopefully that helps some of the pain. i was able to eat soup tonight which i couldn't do yesterday b/c there was certainly ONE WHEEL squeaking the loudest in my mouth. sigh.

i also need to clean, detail, organize the final sale of the cars. which could possibly take a month. i have a second closet in my trunk. when i worked in the office, i would literally keep a change of clothing for any occasion in my trunk. along with a zillion different bags. i know for a fact that chad has clothes in there too, and some boots, some winter coats, and ALOT of trash. snap snap already! move it or lose it.

carolyn bought me a recipe book and i could die.
i laughed at first.
but immediately felt inspired. a true FIRST.
which is interesting b/c i have a dozen of them getting dusty on my bookshelves, but it was a reminder that i need to do this. and i already feel better about the potential!

i wanna start running with chad.
i wanna start living...again.
moving.
completing projects.
finding closure.
opening up all the doors i chose to close when my brain needed the energy for fertility related attention.

i need to wake up and feel THANKFUL again, rather than....immediately desperate and short-changed. which is what i kept reminding myself of this morning on the way to the dentist...again. "sure, this sucks...but PRAISE GOD i have a great dentist who sees me whenever i call on a whim...who is amazing...kind...compassionate...and willing to help me. and praise God i'm in a position to actually RESOLVE this crap. it'll be expensive, but it'll be ok. and i will be thankful."

thing is...the first part of surgery will call for a 4mth healing period before the second part can begin. and both require an additional 4mths of healing before it can be completed.
will we put off proactively trying to get pregnant for a full 8-9 mths?
only God knows.
but do i wanna deal with this while i am pregnant or stressing over a new baby?
that would be a BIG fat no.

same with my current home.
not ideal.
not my dream come true.
but nevertheless -- amazing. a real, honest blessing.
it feels small, but it will grow ALOT once i am done organizing it and using it to it's FULLEST.
i could NOT have asked for a cooler or more interesting neighborhood and i will be thankful. and, frankly, it's not a debilitating mortgage.
i could fall RIGHT TO MY KNEES over the contract we pulled the plug on 6 weeks ago.
we'd be SO STRETCHED financially....WHAT WERE WE THINKING!?
our townhouse has allowed us to save alot of money...it's allowed us to pay up front for alot of things w/o going into debt.
it's truly been the answer to a million prayers i have never had to pray.

how could i NOT be thankful.....

so with this new resolve...I FEEL SO FREE.
i feel SO unchained.
i feel SO renewed.
i feel SO inspired.
i feel SO SO SO blessed.

the whole NOT TRYING via fertility clinic crap has literally made me feel like i'm walking on air. EVEN after a day at the dentist. i can stretch my legs. i can breathe. i can relax. i have time.

and sure.
i've just totally begged to be a bullseye to satan by putting these words in black and white.
and sure...i'll have my hard moments when the dark clouds come rolling in again.
don't we all?

but for the immediate next 3-4 months -- no more fertility clinic.
if it happens...it happens (to which i honestly think i'd panic for a split moment)....but i'm not going to run my life by it until early next spring. i hope to be in a different place. a cleaner way of living. a better run home. without procrastination and chaos....

....and with alot more God....