holding steady

so we had our visit with georgetown hospital's apnea clinic. i love these people. they're so...i dunno. chipper? they squeal when they see how chubby isaac's gotten and he responds by peeing all over the baby scale. win/win for everybody.

and truth be told -- the kid is a tank.
frankly, chad and i call him "baby grenade."
after he is done eating...his belly is so round and hard and full, that we swear he'd blow up if he threw him across the room.

which is pretty disgusting if you think about it -- but nevertheless -- he's Baby Grenade.




he'll be 3mths on saturday. he's 13lbs.
bear in mind, 12 weeks ago, he weighed 5lbs 2oz.!
if they chart that for percentages, out of 100 babies born 6 weeks early, at 12 weeks of age, he's heavier than 95 of them.
NINETY-FIFTH PERCENTILE.
all breastmilk, people.
i deserve awards. lots of awards.

and out of babies born FULL TERM, who are now 12 weeks old...he's 6oth percentile!
we're proud of baby grenade.

oh, and he's 23 inches long, up from 18.

now, funny part is -- his father is almost 6'5".
looks like isaac is taking after me in the height dept though, because he's only 75th percentile in length. chad is extremely disappointed that our child reminds us of john belushi. my bad.

he's still chained to his heart monitor for another 4 weeks.
he had heartrate dips twice over the last week, which gives them reason to feel it's best to keep him on the monitor for another month. and that's fine with me because at this point, i feel like that wire is attached to his life support or something. whenever we take if off to bath him, we watch him like we've just cut his oxygen off or something. like his heart is gonna stop and stuff. it'll be a tough day once they take it away from us....!

::shudder::



ISAAC WAS APPROVED FOR HIS RSV ANTIBODY INJECTIONS!
this means massive things for us! we can leave the house now! i sorta dont even know where to begin! i'm almost intimidated. it's been so long since i've lugged him around town, that it feels like a major undertaking. but i'm willing to take on the challenge, compared to staying in this SAAAAME room. yknow?
HUGE MIRACLE!!!!



on a serious note -- my grandfather is dying.
it's my mom's dad and it's a very sad thing, as he's our last remaining grandparent and isaac's never met him.
THEREFORE, like the insane, crazy person that i am -- i've booked a ticket with my parents, to go say goodbye to him, while i still can. we're headed to Louisiana to spend time with family, which i haven't done...since...i really don't remember. it's TIME. it will be neat to get the 4 generation photograph...to have something that will remind isaac that he did meet his great grandfather at one time.

i have no idea how the flight will go. i'm sure it'll be the biggest undertaking ever, considering my mom will probably be equally high-maintenance (sorry, mom!!! haha), AND we have a lay-over each way. man. say a prayer. nov. 11th. gonna be interesting!!

ok...time for PJs.
i would also like to eat something better than pancakes for dinner...but i have nothing in my house.
should i order take out...again?

oooooooh, halloween is tomorrow! standby for pictures of isaac's first day of FREEEEEDOM! ;)

God pulls strings for Isaac......

from my post yesterday:

"...please pray that either our insurance does a 180....or that we open our mailbox this week and learn that somebody has decided to send us ...oh....ten thousand dollars...give or take a few."

i, did in fact, go to my mailbox at 7pm last night and did in fact begrudgingly open an unexpected letter from my insurance company....

AETNA has made a decision about coverage for the following health care services for Isaac Morgan (references RSV injections.)

Please disregard the denial letter that you may have received for the service outlined in the decision summary above. We have received new information and have changed our previous decision. For the services identified, coverage has been approved.

just like that.
$12,500....provided.
i had to read the letter five times....and could hardly breathe....

why do i always fail to trust in God the way i should....???
THANK YOU LORD!!!!!

sleeping update....

so your comments and suggestions have been a lifesaver. thanks for filling me in on how to get my little party animal back to sleep in the middle of the night. i actually didn't give him enough credit...he was one step ahead of the game...or a mind-reader, because i think he saw it comin.'

that night after i posted about his second wind at 4am, i fed him, changed him, and put him right into his crib, in a semi-awake state. (OK, OK....so i rocked him for 3 minutes....i'm ADDICTED.) he did not utter a PEEP and went to sleep like a champ. same for the 4am feeding. same for every night since then!!??

i find myself standing, holding my breath in the hallway, waiting for a freak out....and sometimes i hear a grunt or can tell he's straining to BUST out of his straight-jacket swaddle blanket (how did mothers LIVE WITHOUT THESE before some Einstein created it...) with all his might, but he eventually succumbs to the realization that he's stuck there and may as well doze off, or it'll be a long night.

we've even had moderate luck with this technique during the day, for naptime. i have to admit, "naptime" is a very liberal term right now. he naps non-stop. but i am about to make a huge confession. yoooooooge! for the first 11 weeks of his life....he never once napped in his crib. THEREISAIDIT. i would set him in his little boppy on the couch....and he would nap next to me, while i'd watch tv, edit pictures, email my friends/clients, eat my lunch, whatever the heck it is that i do all day. but, in recent days i've noticed he's alot more alert and "disturbed" during naptime by the noise of his surroundings. things like...oh...pots and pans banging, me doing the dishes, me on the phone, etc. etc., seems to now awaken him from his coma-like naps. now before you go judgin' you should understand how naptime in the living room came to be! the kid has a freaking heart monitor, ok? and when he was discharged, that puppy fired off every other minute. and outside of the fact that you have to RESET the monitor after every "heart event"...and record it on a notebook...i simply didnt WANT to be that far away from him. his room is upstairs. and i wanted him as close to me as possible at all times. and stairs aren't cool after c-sections. and my excuses could drone on all day. but there you have it. it was time for NURSERY naptime.

and so last week, i put him in his crib, half-awake, and he WAS NOT THRILLED. it was the first time i think i realized he's a weeeeeeeeeeeee bit spoiled. but we toughed it out and whaddya know -- he slept for FOUR HOURS. i almost got scared. and then i remembered that if he's dead...his heart monitor would have relayed that message to me.

now that you're all up to speed on my sleep failures/successes, i'd like to ask my next question i have in my pursuit of "good mommy-ness." remember back in the day when i said my kid NEVER cries for no reason? awww, that was really sweet of isaac to entertain his little 8 week old brain and stare at walls in deep content. well. he's still pretty content. and. he still rarely cries for no reason.

but what the HECK do i do about all the times he cries and i KNOW what his reason is....and i must deny him!? somehow over the course of the prior 2.5mths, he's grown an affinity for being held. all. the. bloody. time. the little dude has massive opinions about being put down on his play mat. he watches me. he cranes his little neck to stare at me leave the room to refill my cup of coffee. and he voices ALOT of dissent.

alot.

i try to let him howl it out, when i KNOW his tank is FULL of milk, his diaper is freshly changed, and he's recently taken a nap and should NOT be tired or cranky. but there is something incredibly UNNERVING about trying to ignore a kid screaming...when...it goes on...for...ever? and the SECOND you pick him up -- he takes a few minutes to catch his breath (slamdunk for isaac b/c mommy feels REALLY abusive when he's so upset that he's panting...) and gives me this HUUUUUGE smile....and all is well once again in the world. ooooooh, you little stinker....

i've pretty much tried it all.
i've even resorted to popping the creepiest thing i've ever seen, into my DVD player.
BABY EINSTEIN VIDEOS for 3+ month old babies.
holy-tripped-out-acid-induced-flurry-of-babble-talking-puppets-
and-psychedelic-colors.
i found myself wiping the drool off my chin, after becoming entranced by the darn video for a good 20 minutes....while isaac found contentment in my lap, staring at a window. he couldn't have cared less about the entire ordeal.

i've tried swings.
play mats.
toys.
tv.

and he'd simply sell his soul to be held.
and i start waiving a white flag and give up b/c i start to wonder if he's miserable and....OMG I AM BECOMING THAT MOM. HELP ME. not to mention, i've also becoming a lame duck all day, staring at a to-do list that is ever growing.

suggestions?
i'm takin' 'em!

in other ground-breaking, front-page worthy news:
I AM BACK INTO PRE-PREGNANCY JEANS

i mean.
it's been 12 weeks.
i have no idea what's normal or not.
and i will make no further comment about how MANY pairs of pre-pregnancy jeans i fit into (i think we need a graveyard for clothing that my body will NEVER fit into again...) but the POINT IS, i have fully packed up my maternity clothes and dragged out all of my winter clothes and hung them up. i feel like a new woman, getting dressed in normal clothes again, however i may never, ever relinquish my maternity underwear. much to my husband's dismay.

he asked me last week, "al, ....don't you think it's time to go back to your....other underwear?" it took me a minute to EVEN KNOW what he was talking about. that's how much my maternity underwear and i, are one. they are cotton briefs. WHATS WRONG WITH THAT? but omg...are they ever comfortable. and i argued, whats the POINT?! as long as i'm in NURSING BRAS, which are far less sexy than plain old cotton briefs -- why bother! nothing says HOT MAMA like a grammy-sized nursing bra and lace thongs. jeez. i would look like a hooker with an identity crisis. however, i think my husband would be ok with that.

(for the record i do not OWN lace thongs, nor would my booty enjoy lace thongs. just sayin.)

so hip-hip-hurray for pre-preggo jeans.
no matter how snug they are.
my body is very reluctant to let GO of those last 5-7lbs, but i should be grateful, because i have a good idea where they are. the day those 5-7lbs vanish, i venture to say my bra cup size will vanish as well. and it ...wont...be....pretty.

better hope those lace thongs do ALOT of distracting.....ugh.

well, if you think of it -- say some prayers for us this week.
for starters, isaac has been advised by his pediatricians to receive the RSV antibody. 15 babies in our pediatrician's office have qualified for it -- isaac being one of them. given he was born before 35 weeks, and under 5.5lbs, and within 6mths of RSV season -- they find it very advantageous for him to receive this injection every 29 days, for the 5 months of RSV season.

upside -- immunity from this potentially devastating illness (his lungs would not handle it well, considering they are still recovering from being born too early.)

downside -- our insurance has refused to cover them (based on some CRACKED OUT reasons that we are still fighting), and they are $2500 PER INJECTION. and frankly, thats a crapload of money we OBVIOUSLY do not have.

please pray that either our insurance does a 180....or that we open our mailbox this week and learn that somebody has decided to send us ...oh....ten thousand dollars...give or take a few.

also, on wednesday, isaac gets his next vaccines! THRILLING! after this wednesday, we're FREE TO GET ON WITH OUR LIVES!!!! PRAISE GOD! i am free from this HOUSE!

and on thursday, we head to georgetown hospital to have them review isaac's heart monitor recordings and let us know if he's back to "normal" or if he needs to spend another 4 weeks on it. either way....i'm fine with, for varying reasons.

welp, it's almost noon and i'm starving so....have a great week!
toodles.

testing...testing...can you see this?

Isaac in the Morning from allison morgan on Vimeo.

so i hit a wall this month.
lots of frustrating, crappy things happened, but hopefully it's behind me and i can get on with my duty of blogging. ha.

i think there was a catastrophic union between A) sheer exhaustion catching up with me, B) mourning, C) illness, D) isaac's newfound lock-down (due to a choice we made in the vaccination arena), and E) Puff's travel schedule.

wow.
knocked me over and left me reeling.
i still don't feel 100%, but i think i'm on the mend.
i did however find strange solace this month by watching a new season of jon & kate plus 8, and the amazing race.

have you ever noticed it's more fun watching tv with somebody? why is that? normally i dont watch much more than Fox news. but it was actually alot of fun watching amazing race with puffy. my mom is always asking me if i watch certain shows throughout the day and i have no idea what she's talking about. lots of peeps were high on life with the "new season of such and such" starting and i'm thinking, "when do new seasons start? or end, for that matter?" well, that's not fair b/c i was keenly aware of when The Office season was over. i shed a few tears when i have to watch reruns for months on end.

uhm, oh right. i have a kid. and he's getting huge.
he'll be 12 weeks old on friday.
can you even handle it? frankly, i feel like he's WAY older than 12 weeks. sometimes it does feel more like 12 years.
i went back to church for the first time on sunday and it was WEIRD. because he was so little and breastfeeding was SO complicated, i just couldn't be bothered to wake him up, spend an hour breastfeeding, then another 20 minutes pumping, then change isaac and get him situated, in enough time to perfectly coordinate walking out the door and walking back through the door to get to church and back. forget it. i got overwhelmed just thinking of it. so i would stay home and chad would go to church.

well on sunday, i went and i have to say, it was crazy weird. so many memories flooded back.
the last time i was there, i was constantly mapping out where the bathrooms were, constantly starving, and uncomfortable. gosh, if i only knew what my week would hold, the last time i sat in those pews. craziness. but it felt SOOO good and refreshing to be out of the house and back at home with a bunch of faces i haven't seen in so long, at church....

ok, so isaac is doing this HORRENDOUS thing lately, where he wakes up at 4am and wants to party. full on bouncing, smiling, trying to stand up, talking....PAAAARTY. i even try to sit there and rock him in pitch darkness, which calms him down a little bit....and so i put his head on my shoulder and rock for twenty minutes, only to pull him away a bit long enough for me to see if he's dead asleep...and HE IS STILL STARING AT ME. wide eyed. you must be kidding me, kid. if you weren't so GOSH-DARN CUTE i would tear my hair out.

i've decided that maybe it's time to put him back to bed -- wide awake. i cringe b/c chad is such a LIGHT sleeper that if isaac decided to pitch a fit about it -- chad is the one who will suffer. and chad is the one who has to get up and bring home the bacon. so chad takes priority.

but last night, (er, wee hours of the morning) -- into the crib he goes.
and he proceeded to protest until 715am.
not crying.
just....protesting.

how many of you moms would do a mid-night feeding, change diapers, rock for a while...and proceed to put your kid back to bed wide-awake?? why does it break my heart to close his door knowing he's staring into darkness, all alone? I CANT DO IT!!!! but i'm trying. i need encouraging stories....

help me not feel so guilty.
anybody?......

eight weeks....