Tuesday, October 21, 2008

so i hit a wall this month.
lots of frustrating, crappy things happened, but hopefully it's behind me and i can get on with my duty of blogging. ha.

i think there was a catastrophic union between A) sheer exhaustion catching up with me, B) mourning, C) illness, D) isaac's newfound lock-down (due to a choice we made in the vaccination arena), and E) Puff's travel schedule.

wow.
knocked me over and left me reeling.
i still don't feel 100%, but i think i'm on the mend.
i did however find strange solace this month by watching a new season of jon & kate plus 8, and the amazing race.

have you ever noticed it's more fun watching tv with somebody? why is that? normally i dont watch much more than Fox news. but it was actually alot of fun watching amazing race with puffy. my mom is always asking me if i watch certain shows throughout the day and i have no idea what she's talking about. lots of peeps were high on life with the "new season of such and such" starting and i'm thinking, "when do new seasons start? or end, for that matter?" well, that's not fair b/c i was keenly aware of when The Office season was over. i shed a few tears when i have to watch reruns for months on end.

uhm, oh right. i have a kid. and he's getting huge.
he'll be 12 weeks old on friday.
can you even handle it? frankly, i feel like he's WAY older than 12 weeks. sometimes it does feel more like 12 years.
i went back to church for the first time on sunday and it was WEIRD. because he was so little and breastfeeding was SO complicated, i just couldn't be bothered to wake him up, spend an hour breastfeeding, then another 20 minutes pumping, then change isaac and get him situated, in enough time to perfectly coordinate walking out the door and walking back through the door to get to church and back. forget it. i got overwhelmed just thinking of it. so i would stay home and chad would go to church.

well on sunday, i went and i have to say, it was crazy weird. so many memories flooded back.
the last time i was there, i was constantly mapping out where the bathrooms were, constantly starving, and uncomfortable. gosh, if i only knew what my week would hold, the last time i sat in those pews. craziness. but it felt SOOO good and refreshing to be out of the house and back at home with a bunch of faces i haven't seen in so long, at church....

ok, so isaac is doing this HORRENDOUS thing lately, where he wakes up at 4am and wants to party. full on bouncing, smiling, trying to stand up, talking....PAAAARTY. i even try to sit there and rock him in pitch darkness, which calms him down a little bit....and so i put his head on my shoulder and rock for twenty minutes, only to pull him away a bit long enough for me to see if he's dead asleep...and HE IS STILL STARING AT ME. wide eyed. you must be kidding me, kid. if you weren't so GOSH-DARN CUTE i would tear my hair out.

i've decided that maybe it's time to put him back to bed -- wide awake. i cringe b/c chad is such a LIGHT sleeper that if isaac decided to pitch a fit about it -- chad is the one who will suffer. and chad is the one who has to get up and bring home the bacon. so chad takes priority.

but last night, (er, wee hours of the morning) -- into the crib he goes.
and he proceeded to protest until 715am.
not crying.
just....protesting.

how many of you moms would do a mid-night feeding, change diapers, rock for a while...and proceed to put your kid back to bed wide-awake?? why does it break my heart to close his door knowing he's staring into darkness, all alone? I CANT DO IT!!!! but i'm trying. i need encouraging stories....

help me not feel so guilty.
anybody?......

5 comments:

Glenna Marshall said...

Girl, you just HAVE to grit your teeth and do it! You're teaching him the difference between night and day which you WILL appreciate later!! I'm not feeding in the middle of the night anymore (we just recently dropped that last feeding) but I would certainly put Isaiah down awake--I do it even when it's not in the middle of the night. Naptime and bedtime--he goes down awake. This is a PRICELESS thing that I learned from friends and from a controversial baby book. Isaiah would fuss at first, but not anymore. He will be WIDE awake when we lay him down (sometimes drowsy) and he will just look around (or now he plays with his blanket) until he gets tired and goes to sleep. It's MAGICAL and all because we put him down awake from the VERY beginning. It's not too late to start, though! Don't feel bad--you are teaching him to go to sleep on his own. He's not lonely--he doesn't realize he's by himself yet. ;)
Isaiah IS on a roll right now of being WIDE awake and ready to squeal (and you know how loud this is after watching the video!) at 5 or 6 am!! I don't know what's up! I just pop that pacifier in and he'll settle down and go to sleep.

The paci thing is a blessing and a curse. He wakes up sometimes wanting it--usually a few times each night. He's not hungry--he just wants his paci. It's a dream that he takes one when we're in public and he's fussy or something, but....I can't decide if we'll use one with the next one (if the Lord blesses us again through adoption).

Isaiah is SOoooo cute at his middle of the night partying, too, but it was coming down to me losing my sanity over lack of sleep or me learning to put him in bed and leave him there. I don't rock him back to sleep because I want him to be able to go to sleep on his own. And he does, thankfully. I even started sleeping without the monitors on now that we've hit 4 months and I'm not so concerned about SIDS anymore. I hear him if he cries, but I can now ignore all the other little noises that were keeping me up at night.

Hope that is helpful. I'd love to sit with our boys over some large cups of coffee and talk and talk about being new moms. :)

Julie Nickerson said...

wow. is that a comment above mine?
I thought it was part of your post. lol

But I have to totally agree with Glenna. She is so RIGHT! PUT HIM DOWN AWAKE!!! It is crucial! He is now 12 weeks and can learn to put himself to sleep.

(Wait...weren't you that friend that told me you would be able to easily put your baby in their crib and let them cry and it wouldn't bother you?) What happened....You became a MOM!!!

The problem is, if you continue to rock him to sleep (which you can totally do sometimes, it is a special time, just not always) he will get so dependent on that. In the end, he will be happier that he has put himself to sleep. They need that down time.

I put Abel down wide awake in his crib. He tells me "bye" and he plays for a good 15-20 minutes (which is awesome b/c it buys me more "me time") and then puts himself to sleep. (He humps his blanket for like 10 minutes before he can go to sleep while singing the abc's)HAHAHA!!!

Ok, well now my comment is as long as Glenna! :)

Put him down awake. He will thank you for it later.

Jim and April said...

i cant give you any advice in the baby department but already you seem to be such an awesome mom!

heather said...

i was just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing! good to hear from you. sorry things have been rough... hopefully you've hit your stride now.

Nina said...

Okay, first of all, I miss you. Please let me know when lock-down ends. If you went to church, does that mean is it all clear? I do have a 20 month old so I know that puts us behind for visits but we are dying to see Isaac!

Okay, on to the sleep issue. Whenever it kills you to leave him, just remember you are teaching him to sleep well. This means that you have to allow him to learn to go to sleep on his own. Now, I say this all cautiously because Ella seemed to pick this up fairly well. I only had a couple of evenings in tears. :)

I had a college roommate who had a super hard time getting herself to sleep...so I am a big advocate for helping Isaac learn! I really believe it is a gift to Isaac and to you both.

Things that helped us -

Routine - We did the SAME thing to go to bed every night...still do. Book (even at 12 weeks! your voice is soothing), prayers, nurse (sang the same song), light out, sound machine on, lots of kisses and into bed. When she would wake up in the night, I would just do the same routine (maybe skip book and all that) to signal to her it was sleep time.

Taking care of Puffs is important but it is pretty likely you will have to commit to a couple nights of tears to help Isaac learn. Give Puff some earplugs and a pillow for the couch for a few nights. Or try it on a weekend.

Books that helped:
Healthy Sleep Habits for a Happy Child (LOVED this)

People often recommend BabyWise but it was a bit too intense on the cry-it-out for me. I still read it and found it gave me some good pointers even if I didn't adopt it in full.

Yay for long posts to help each other.

Love ya!