Wednesday, December 5, 2007

...can i keep 'em?

i'm sure you've all been on birth control at some point in your life.

so if that's the case -- why did NOBODY tell me the POSITIVE side effects of going back on the pill?!

my BOOBS have NEVER looked better.

cheers to hoping they stick around for a while, considering i was only on the pill for a month and now...i'm not.

i mean, i've read that the pill boosts some girls up a cup size or two (dear heavens, i just realized that all my readers may not be women), but that NEVER happened for me when i started on the pill 10 years ago.

anyhoo -- that's the upswing people. take it or leave it.

it's 11pm and i'm not sure why i'm here online talking up my breasts.
chad's dead to the world, snuggled in bed with the only thing that matters to him right now: nyquil. i could dance around the house with my glorious knockers and he'd never bat an eye. even rudy is out cold.

there is 3 inches of snow on my car right now. crazy. i feel like it became winter overnight.

i think it's time to start a new list.
this afternoon i was thinking to myself, "why don't i make a permanent will and testament of all the things you just should NEVER do. like. ever. and so when i'm tempted to do them...i can double check to make sure i haven't sworn in blood that it's a tragic mistake to do so."

like the 4th time i cut my own bangs.
18 months earlier i had made the same stupid mistake and SWORE to myself, NO MATTER WHAT, no matter WHO fed me a bottle of wine and put a VOGUE magazine in front of me at 2am and told me i'd look just like heidi klum (you know who you are), i would NEVER ever cut my bangs again.

where was "The List" when i needed it to remind me? it's SO EASY to desperately love the IDEA of something until it's on your forehead, in your eyes, not looking as sexy as envisioned, like a mop. and i now have a twitch from jerking my head to the left to brush the bangs out of my LINE OF VISION.

so for all the moments i am stupid, (please contribute as well), here's my working list:

1) no matter HOW careful you intend to be, no matter how QUICK you think the project can be, no matter HOW LITTLE bleach you actually use....get out of your work clothes before mopping the floors (or handling it at all) with bleach and water. period. just do it. it'll take 5 minutes to change and you won't ruin the brand new tweed pants you splurged on.

2) allison, don't cut your bangs. period. ever. the end.

3) do not go to Google University to learn more about your raspy cough, or your weird tickle in your through, or your throbbing headache, with your fever. just don't. before you know it, you'll be calling your boyfriend and your roommate to drive you IMMEDIATELY to the ER due to your acute case of menningitis, on valentines day. (thanks E and C :) i was planning my funeral by the time his car was in 3rd gear....(it was however a case of i guess...i ....could...have died...?)

4) don't buy weird food. i know how easy it is to get inspired by that leek and melon salad with all the fixings, but before you know it -- you're headed out to dinner for the 3rd night in a row and by the time you pull the lettuce out of the fridge, it resembles chunky snot and smells like death. allison, leave the foods that can't be canned, frozen, or nuked, to the real cooks. just stoppit.

5) it's frosty...and pink...and so shiny....and it DOES NOT BELONG ON MY LIPS. for the love...i can't stop buying pink lip gloss and no matter WHAT, i won't wear it, i will hate it, and i will never learn my lesson. i have enough to ship off to NYC Fashion Week...and steals my money EVERY SINGLE TIME i go to CVS. ENOUGH!

6) resist the temptation - AT ALL COSTS - to ever be persuaded to bad-mouth your husband to his mother. (which, in my case, is his father...but work with me). they're fired up...i'm fired could chad EVER DO SUCH A THING....and EVERY single time i start to feel a sense of camaraderie as though they understand my frustration...and believe they'll support my emotions...WHAM! that's me over there in the corner wearing the pointy dunce cap. it was a set up. they'll turn on you, allison...JUST DON'T DO IT.

7) along those lines -- RESIST the unbearable desire to check your email first thing in the morning before brushing teeth, showering, making coffee, walking dog, reading, getting dressed, you know...stuff that normal people do. before you know it - it's 230PM and you've been sucked into some sort of quantum leap and your husband is coming home from a full (and productive) day of work. just dont do it. you can't, allison. once the inbox is open - it's all over.

8) just FILL THE TANK UP ALREADY. goshdarnitall. i know you think that you still have 1/8th of a tank left and therefore can make it last till next week, but the inevitable is lurking and WHADDYA KNOW, you are ten minutes late walking out the door for a meeting and you hate your life. same with the bank. same with the cleaners. same with the dishes. just DO IT, allison.

9) and...don't cut your bangs...ever freaking again.

10) if you didn't try it on...don't buy it. just don't. the trip back to return it just ain't quite the same fun as buying it was.

11) make an effort to come back with more stuff for others than for yourself, after a day of Christmas shopping. i'm sorry, but there are some ADORABLE retro Via Spiga wedge suede boots (just in case santa is reading...) out there these days (where have i BEEN) and urge is just about to overtake me....don't do it allison...WILLPOWER.....'tis the season to giiiiiive....

12) if we're on a shoe topic, may as well share this juicy nugget of info with you = when visiting NYC, leave the heels at home. you will never, at any moment, be sarah jessica parker, flittering around under the Big Apple's twinkling city lights with wind blown hair, drinking cosmos while discussing high-fashion and the evil webs we weave....and FYI, you will undoubtedly freeze your rear off. so stop pretending. make a VOW allison that you will NOT desperately need to hunt down a GAP and a NINE WEST for a puffy (and unattractive) down coat which serves only to have me resemble a walking cotton ball, and flats ("and do you happen to have band-aids in the back?"), while shlepping around my original outfit in my bag, for the rest of the night. learn the lesson already. learn it.

so that's a start.
i want additions and suggestions :)
i'm sure you all have your own "NEVER DO IT AGAIN" list and i wanna hear from you!!!!!



Denora said...

Oh I couldn't possibly agree more on the bangs (not for you, specifically, just bangs in general). I tried to do bangs a couple of years ago, and I really just wanted to rip off my face. I perpetually wear my hair in a ponytail (or some other pulled back fashion) so I'm not entirely sure what possessed me to intentionally cut my hair so that it rested on my face. I really wish I would have put that on MY list many years ago when I tried it the first time. And congrats on the boobs! Wish my pill worked like that! :)

Heather said...

ditto on the bangs. i would also like to add - never EVER let your friend cut your bangs in the 8th grade during lunch in your English teacher's dark classroom. NEVER.

For me:

When you're ridiculously busy and feeling lonely, never EVER use your one hour of free time during the day to stop by the ghetto grocery store and pick up a box of hair color, thinking you'll look good with red hair - especially when you have to go right back to work with teenagers who continue to say, "Wow, you colored your hair. huh." And on that same note - leaving red hair dye in your hair for an extra ten minutes 'just to make sure it sets' actually makes your hair orange.

ckuretich said...

oh this list is amazing. i'm so inspired to do one of my own. though i don't feel i'm in the right place in my life...hahahaha. i'm not in one of those retrospective places, but next time I am, rest-assured I am mimicking this idea and DOING IT.

i adore the heels in NYC one. I have so learned my lesson on this too. I hate flats and i hate even MORE tennis shoes, and I never invested in cute ones of either. and then I was shooting myself when I'd be stuck in heels, heels, or...heels, with bloody blisters on my feet and no relief in sight, tempted to buy that cheap pair of Payless plastic CRAP that looks like a moccasin from 1995, just for relief. Invest in the flats, or the pumas, just DO IT, christin.

there's one for me. :)

donna aka spuddy buddy said...

These are all good rules to live by.

Chrissy said...

1 & 9 are the same but i'll let it slide because you need to hear it a few more times.

i'd like to add a: do not ever cut your hair short, again! you told us to PROMISE to never let you do it for fear of pancake face. in MY case, it would be: chrissy, do not ever consider a pixie, boy cut, EVER AGAIN.

did i mention i thought about it recently? my hair. i can't. but alas.....i shall put the scissors down.

love the new york one, too. i tried the heels a few times while working in ny. there were always those select few who would say, "heels? stilettos? i love them! they don't bother me at all!' and you see them in all their hot glory just waltzing down 5th avenue. but when i try it, i'm hobling in 1 city block and cursing myself. after 2 city blocks, i am walking bare foot. sigh.....

Nikki said...

When you've got that sudden urge to eat really bad food - under no circumstances is White Castle a good choice. Sure, it tastes good but there's a reason why your body goes into convulsions about 30minutes after the last bite is taken. And, there's something to be said for a food that leaks through your pores days afterwards. Come on people - just don't do it.

Becky Barber said...

this is for me: when you feel the sinus infection start to set in (which happens every year about this time), just GO to the doctor already to get antibiotics. you can't kick it without said antibiotics, so i don't understand why EVERY year i wait it out thinking it's about to subside...until six weeks later and i have an ear infection as a bonus prize because i waited so long. yes, i'm sick now. and yes. i'm waiting it out like an idiot. i guess i should go ahead and make the appointment for about 5 weeks from now. haha.