ok...so it stings every once in a while.....

i felt really strong this morning.
i have been feeling pretty strong for a few weeks now.
well....no.
God has been strength for me in miraculous ways this month.
He has submerged fully me in His protective grace and I have once again been reminded of His providential love for me.

and i have reveled in this and felt more at peace over the last few weeks than i have in a long time.
i was even telling my mom this morning that i'm not sure how i'll re-engage with fertility treatments again in a few months.
everything in me shudders at the notion of once again...or ever again...enduring something so tumultuous, voluntarily choosing the havoc that nearly destroyed me.

and i meant every word of it.
i even called that friend who is due any day now, to shriek with her in anticipation, and ramble about labor, fears, anxieties, life changing precious moments....and felt the truest of joy for her.
i am really happy for her.
i am still really happy for her. for her joy. for her new family. for her blessings and for her exhilarating season of life.

...but i was 100% caught off guard -- out of nowhere -- when i felt my voice catch.
i had to focus to form a sentence without studdering my words.
the daggar slid so effortlessly into my heart, sucking my breath away.
wow.
i remembered that this does hurt. this is fresh hurt.
it was momentary...
but i felt my eyes get hot when she spoke of meeting this brand new person who will be with her for the rest of her life....
...deep breath...

i hung up with her, realizing the next time i see her, she'll be a mother.
strangely enough - i feel the abyss that separates us is shrinking - even as the very thing that divides us is moments from materializing.
God is so good to do a revolutionary work of healing in my heart, even while steeping me in a season of pain.

we got off the phone because my doorbell rang....
it was fedex.
some of my online orders are flowing in and it's so fun to rip open the boxes and see what presents have arrived for who and all that jazz.
i destroy the box of the first package and realize....

...it's newborn clothes i bought for my best friend.

i sat on my dining room floor...and pulled out the teeny baby clothes...and the teeny baby shoes that were so small they fit on the tips of my fingers....
...i blinked.
...i swallowed.
...i stared at them and realized these would actually have been the perfect size for my baby, had i gotten pregnant within the first few month of trying - like all my friends did.

it is possible to miss somebody you never knew....
to feel a hollow place in your heart where you had carved out ample room for hope...for joy...for a precious addition.
i've lived through and imagined this christmas season a million times this year ...and the scenario had only played out one way in my mind.
last Christmas, chad and i exchanged knowing smiles anytime somebody talked about "next Christmas..."
the Christmas reel ran through my mind in February when we started charting...
and Christmas was a warm joy to think of when i started fertility drugs in April.
and Christmas was still a strong possibility when we underwent our first insemination in August.
....and making Christmas "announcements" are what kept us going when we shot up with hormone injections in October.

i've lived through every annual holiday, wondering, envisioning, agonizing, and imagining what my turn will be like...

unlike an unplanned pregnancy, where the mother is caught off-guard by her life-altering news:

do you understand --
...i've already had a baby for Christmas.
and mothers day.
and fathers day.
and easter.
and summer bbqs.
and halloween.
and thanksgiving....
....and Christmas again.
i have carried him/her with me through all of 2007.
he/she has been with me every day....every moment....of this whole year....a ghost.
...filling my mind with a million memories that simply do not exist.

so while i don't necessarily mourn God's plan and His perfect love for us....
i realized that i still fully mourn the loss of human hope and expectation.

if that can ever make sense.

i blink back tears...wanting to fully embrace and accept all that is REAL and good and FULL about life as God has detailed it out for me...yet wondering if that means letting go of the expectation.

Ecclesiastes 3
"There is a time for everything...and a season for every activity..."
"...a time to weep...and a time to laugh..."
"...a time to search...and a time to give up...."

i so anxiously await -- my time....
...God knows exactly when it will come...

John 14
Let not your heart be troubled...believe in God...peace I leave with you...