well...what a day.
i really don't know where to begin or how far i'll make it into this story since i'm on hospital-enforced ambien...but i'm having a c-section at noon tomorrow.
it seems things have taken a worse turn with my umbilical cord/placenta combo and in the best interest of my unborn baby -- they've shot me up with steroids (for the baby's lungs sake) and are taking him out tomorrow.
i don't even know where to begin -- but to answer your questions -- yes, i'm horrified and terrified.
he'll be born at exactly 34 weeks.
all i know is that a nervous feeling came over me two nights ago when he had minimal fetal movements the whole night. night is normally his hyper time!! so to go two hours of "hyper time" without so much of a flinch....made me cringe. but i feel that i always overreact, so i did nothing and tried to sleep it off.
well....on wednesday, the following day...his movements were rare and sluggish at best. i tried every trick in the book -- but he just wasn't himself. his patterns were off. he was quiet. my heart raced.
i decided to call my OB at 4pm on wednesday, just to make a record of it and she asked me to head over to labor and delivery just to be monitored and to put my mind at ease.
i felt stupid. my mind is never really at ease. why can't i just chill the freak out already?!
so i go in, alone, b/c i felt too stupid to even tell chad i was heading there.
we've done this twice already and after they monitor me, they send me along on my way with positive reports.
so undressed, allowed them to slip the monitors on me and nearly fell asleep for 30 minutes while they listened to his heartrate and watched his movements.
the doctor came in, like usual, yet this time, she was rolling a sonogram machine in with her. "i think we should take a look to make ourselves feel better...."
my heart dropped.
"he's had a few heart decelerations and we'd like to see him move around a bit."
they watched him on sonogram for a full 30 minutes = no movement.
he was breathing...you could see him trying and practicing which is normal.
but "no fine motor movement." and "no gross, involuntary movements."
score = 6 out of 10.
they called in the senior nurse and my doctor.
both informed me that i would not be going home, but staying under monitoring until morning to have me wheeled into the specialists office for a intense sonogram.
it was a very long night in the labor/delivery ward.
though i tried to stay positive.
my OB swung by this morning at 730am, and basically said, "i'll most likely defer to what the specialist suggests. if he says the baby is fine, you go home. if he said the baby's NOT, then you dont go home....we'll wait to see.."
so the sonographer did a highly-detailed sonogram, where he had picked up his movement and made us all feel alot better. and then the doctor came in to give us his assessment.
"allison, i watched your heartrate stips from last night, while you were under surveillance and the baby's heart had multiple decelerations overnight....and now our sonograph is finding that your placenta is starting to decentigrate. my suggestion is to deliver this baby today or tomorrow."
i think i stopped breathing...for....too long.
i asked a million questions....chad choked up....and i just felt so much being pulled out from under my control.
"i will call your OB, give him my findings, and together we'll all make a decision."
i don't remember the wheelchair ride back to my hospital room. i'm not kidding.
i can't believe that was this morning -- this has by far been the longest day of my life.
and you know -- i'd never EVER be able to go home, knowing the information i have now, and feel he's SAFER inside of me, than outside. he clearly needs out. but out is SO not safe for him at this point either and the fear is very gripping and real. being OUT is the lesser of the two evils.
the neonatal doctor came by for a little visit with us and said we should expect him to stay there for 2 weeks after he's born. depending on his weight and his lung capabilities. last night they shot me up with a massive steroid drug to hyperstimulate the baby's lung development and then again, this morning....more of the same. they say studies show it helps immensely. and if he's truly 5lbs, that will come in handy for him to be able to hold his own body heat -- but from what i've learned (in addition to the very real fear of them blowing out my remaining vein for an IV and that they really can starve you for 3 days straight), size makes no difference on lung development. he could just be a big baby with underdeveloped lungs....just never know.
after the doctors conferenced all day on what to do -- they decided it would be best to keep here and monitor me all day while the steroids can do real justice on his lungs -- and then safely remove him from this failure in-utero ordeal. they said that if he's already showing distress w/ me NOT in labor -- than it would be no good for him to undergo the stress of a vaginal delivery. not to mention, at 34 weeks, it could increase the chance of baby stroke, ruptured arteries, etc.
all no go's.
so tonight is the last night i'll be pregnant.
for reasons hard to explain -- i'm happy.
and for reasons that need no explanation -- i am devastated.
there's so much personal responsibility that you attribute to yourself in these moments. how did my body fail this baby SO much? how did all of this come to pass? what did i do wrong? could have done differently?
i've asked all three doctors and they say these are just freak problems that occur.
they'll all also said he'll be just fine, and to try to sleep tonight.
going off the amount of sleep i DID NOT get last night -- compiling all of this information will keep me up for ions.
my poor baby is being thrust into a pretty uninviting situation out of medical necessity. they discussed "placenta calcifications" and the risks just not being worth going home and coming back with maybe a dead baby next week. and i absolutely had to agree.
...all while asking myself how i'll leave this hospital on monday. without him. on my birthday.
how will i ever sleep knowing he's 15 miles away from me for the 1st two weeks of his life.
but then i figure -- would i sleep if he were home? a premie? with weak physical systems? would i not WANT the professionals to stand gaurd over him day and night until he's 100%?? of course i would. let's not cry a river over being given the best case situation. these people are amazing and i've loved getting to know them all over the last 30-some odd hours.
and i'm ultimately glad i came in. i was glad i was nervous. i was glad i listened to my body. things could have been tragically different had i ignored some of these things.
but yes, i've cried alot today.
cried out of fear...fear of surgery....fear of what they'll find. fear of his underdeveloped baby lungs that my not be able to cry on his own. so much fear.
then i fear the c-section itself. i NEVER wanted a section in my life. i had been telling some friends about this -- i would DIE if i ended up wiht a section. "how tragic and awful." and i still feel that way. i'm sitting in a labor and delivery ward and just heard the room next to me explode in cheers when the baby finally came out. i had a twinge of sadness that i wont be experiencing that, this time. my baby will be rushed aside to be examined by neonatal doctors on standby in our room. i'll be laying strapped to a table, unable to even touch him....
all of this is my certain reality, in 12 hours exactly.
they said they'll come me at noon, to walk over to the OR down the hall.
they'll pull chad out and put him in scrubs.
while he's away, they give me a spinal, get me on the table, and get started.
from start to finish = one hour.
guess it takes them longer to put you back together, than it does for them to take you apart.
i foresee that hour being surreal to the highest degree.
i'll then spend 3 nights in this hospital and will go home monday.
i have no crib.
i have no dresser.
i have NO DIAPER BAG.
i have no premie clothes.
i have no glider.
i have no PUMP, considering i'll have to pump whatever the nursery wants to give him via bottle.
today has been a day of mourning so many visions in my mind.
so many things that i've always pictured on my childs day of birth.
going into labor naturally...experiencing my body working in those ways...laboring hard to the end to push him out...and cheering as a fully grown and healthy baby is held high for all the proud parents and grandparents...
so yes....i mourn my dreams.
and then i remember. they're my dreams.
they're not God's dreams for me.
where i am right now and how i envision tomorrow going - are only by the hand of God. this is the story He's given me and chad and the baby. and i want nothing other than Gods perfect way with us...
it's funny and may sound creepy but, all this week i had 3 dreams separately that i would be having a c-section. then in my devotionals this week, so many REALLY profound verses were highlighted to me:
Is 55: 8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, my ways aren't your ways, my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts, your thoughts....
He promises to work all things together for our good, for those who love him.
For from him, through him, and to him are all things. To Him be the glory forever.
and then a close friend sent me this text and my eyes welled up (which they've done more times than not today): "On the day I called, you asnwered me, my strength of soul YOU increased. PS 138:3
i love that.
i love to be reminded in tangible scriptural ways of how the truths are so prevalent when you allow them to be.
tomorrow has never been MORE out of control in my life. but do we live lives thinking we really have any more control than this? frankly, this is just my needed reminder that i control nothing -- i am just a steward of all He's given me and i hope He finds me faithful.
but for the multiple groups that came by today to pray over me and the baby.....i have them to thanks. hearing their words beseech the Lord on my behalf was humbling and i cried. but i cried even more for those parts of my heart i always tried to hide in this pregnancy. the UNDERzealot. the "i'll get excited when i finally see him." "i'll tell the world when the risk is passed (heh.) i'd pawn it off as nervouness to want to get involved emotionally wiht the baby, when so much seemed left up to stake. odds.
all of that passive crap i used as my cover worked--until you're being told your firstborn could very well have some major issues post-partum. i cried NOW because i felt i had never told him i loved him...as my son... he needed to know this new fear i feel for his wellbeing is real and tragically deep. a layer in my heart so deep...rose to the surface and i love him. i love him. i am fully in undenial love of him and i would love to raise him and be his mother. i guess it's in these tried by fire moments that all the shaff gets burned away and truth rises.
then all the secondary issues rise like....i expected to be here for 30 minutes and guess what!!!?? "you're not going home..."
and the issues of the baby stuff WE DONT HAVE YET. no crib, dresser, changing table, lamps, diaper champ thingies...the breast pump, since i'll have to pump for 2 weeks straight and deliver it to the nicu, to feed it to him through bottles. but wait...i dont have any bottles.... :( just so many things like...his room ins't painted yet...oh, or the HUGE DOOZIE....my baby shower this saturday -- and i'll be bedridden and unable to attend. :( but darling lanier will have everybody hooked up on web cam and then bringing the gifts to the hospital for me to see!!!
i guess...the truest lesson i've learned in all of this "avoidance" of pregnancy, in my life, out of a stiff-armed fear that something tragic will occur and i need guard my heart, etc....the entire charade of hoping to live as though"no love lost" in case the baby thing falls through in the end.
it was all a lie to myself.
i could fake myself out forever....until you're on the threshold of smelling his skin, grabbing his face, breathing in his qualities, knowing he's yours forever. and tonight....i could taste it. it's so immenent that i can feel it. and it electrifies me from the inside out. i am his mother. i am already so in love with being there for him. no charades needed tonight. i felt this incessant panic, love, hope, fear, umlimited questions...for this baby.
my last night pregnant.
his last night inside there.
our last nights apart. many moms call pregnancy, a feeling of being "a part" from the baby.
i rather saw pregnancy as our enemy and that now that's no longer in there...we'll be able to celebrate being together in a new and tremendously rewarding way.
it's birth eve....
and im drugged beyond belief.
and yes, fear is very realized right now.
but yes, God is very realized today, too.
i have the worlds best friends who take amazing care of me and all my needs.
many phone calls weren't returned, etc.
my room here was full...of organizers, party planners, gift bearers, people to share in my tears, encouragers, emphathyziers. more doctors. more questions. more shots. more hope.
all to say -- the c-section is tomorrow at noon.
please lift this unborn child before the Lord in prayer.....please just pray hard for his health.
just pray that i will love the Lord's plans for my life OVER my own. having my arms strapped to a table as they cut my baby out of me -- is not on my wish list. but HIS WAYS are higher...and so i trust in him. i've been SO vigilant in my baby-growing ways...but what can i do??
pray also for chad to be the excellent "point person" tomorrow.
i'll be at arlington hospital center.
i am CURRENTLY in labor and delivery wing, and you'll need to be transferred to my personal room. just call 703-558-6171 to chat. not sure who wil answer, but somebody will!!!
as for practical ways of helping....if you're in the area...or maybe not.....
i have no premie clothes.
no premie diapers.
i have no premie anything.
i also have no bassinett. (though it's in the works....i think...)
i have no crib, changing table or glider.
i have no breast pump (though it's in the works i think)
but God is good.
and God is the REAL father of this baby boy.
and God loves him more than i could ever know.
God loves us more than we could ever know as well.....
we should allow room for God's surprises...
with that said -- ambien calls. ambien ROCKS on an empty stomach.
i love you all and will hope to have VERY encouraging news the next time i'm on here....
just please pray that chad and i are gracious to each other - we've been a bit on edge today.
ok....i'm out. i'll be in surgery in 12 hours from now.
i'll see my sons face 12 hours from now.
i'll see my son make my husband a father....
and no matter what it looks like -- it's still a miracle that i'll sob my eyes over again and again.....
please join in praying us through our fears, our inexperiences, our inner turmoil -- as we turn to the maker of life himself to save this little boy.
hospital internet stinks...i'm sorry.
i'll try to update with news tomorrow!!!!!! i'll TRY :)